Babies' Emotions: A Review

 

 

 

This week we're sharing some classic posts on babies and their emotions.

Where do babies learn about emotions? What role do you play in the development of your baby's emotions? We've covered these topics in the following posts:

Babies Emotional Development: The Power of Synchrony

Babies Emotional Development: Social Referencing Part 1

Babies Emotional Development: Social References Part 2

We've also shared several posts on how parents influence their babies' view of the world. Your baby is learning about emotions and how and when to display them from watching you! Remember that next time you drop something on your toe:

The Two-Way Mirror: How Parents Influence Babies' World View

Polishing the Mirror: Simple Ways to Reflect the Best of Yourself to Your Baby

For those of you with older babies and toddlers, we also wrote a series of posts to help you understand and cope with tantrums:

Let's Talk about Tantrums: The Basics

Let's Talk about Tantrums: Common Triggers

Let's Talk about Tantrums: Preventing and Coping with Tantrums

Toddler Tantrums on Planes Part II

Last time, we shared a story about a 2-year-old who threw a tantrum while her parents tried to get her strapped into her own seat on an airplane. After a few minutes, her parents were able to get her secured in her seat but shortly after that, they were informed that the pilot had decided to have the family removed from the plane. This is obviously not something that happens very often. In fact, the family ended up in the news because it was so unusual. Since none of us was on the plane with this family, we have no idea what really happened or what might have been done to prevent the situation. However, in today's post, we want to share some information about 2-year-olds that might help those of you who are planning for a plane trip soon.

The Truth about Two's

1. Two's use "scripts" to make sense of the world.

Imagine if you had been suddenly dropped into an unknown country with customs entirely new to you. You don't know your way around, you only know some of the language, and every day you find yourself completely confused by something new and strange. While you might be excited about exploring this new place, you would want to make sense of things as quickly as possible so you don't get lost or make mistakes. This is not too far from how older babies and toddlers must feel. Their desire to learn and explore is very strong but they do want to feel like they know what is going on. Young babies learn to connect actions and outcomes (like feeding cues and being fed) but that is not enough to understand the world. Toddlers must string together actions and events into "scripts" about how the world works. For example, toddlers learn that at dinner time, they smell something cooking, they are lifted into their high chairs, they are given food, and everyone talks while they play with their food. They will learn scripts for bedtime, scripts for going to day care, scripts for going to the park. When toddlers are not able to predict what is happening, they will cling to their parents (and refuse to sit in their own seats). While it may not be possible to make a "plane script," you can help your child make a "traveling" script by having a routine when you travel by car and/or by repeating stories about each step that happens when you fly.

2. Two's cannot control their emotions once they get out of control.

Many people assume that children have the same ability to control their emotions as adults do. They do not. Just as you would not expect a two-year-old to understand algebra, you should not expect that she will control her emotions once they get out of control. Two's are not developmentally ready to do that. The trick is to prevent the meltdowns in the first place. While you can't always do that, developing scripts, watching for cues, and doing what you can to keep your child physically comfortable (with naps, snacks, and cuddles before plane rides), you can do a lot to help your child travel without tears.

3. Two's look to their parents to help them know what to think and feel.

Public tantrums are stressful and embarrassing. We all want our children to behave and not to disturb other people. When they don't, it is hard to stay calm and in charge. But that's what your child needs you to do when she loses control. If she is starting to lose it, seeing you panic will make things much worse. She watches you to figure out what she should be feeling. She needs you to be firm, strong, and calm even if other people are upset. Use your face and body language to help your child understand that things are ok even if she isn't familiar with what is happening.

So, if you are traveling with your 2-year-old anytime soon, do your best to help your child learn a "plane script" by telling stories, practicing sitting in the car seat, or by imaginary play. Watch for early cues that your child is becoming overwhelmed and do your best to address the problem before it gets out of hand. If, despite your best efforts, your child becomes upset, stay calm, firm, and use your voice, face, and body language to show your child that  you will keep her safe.

Baby Behavior in the News: Toddler Tantrums on Planes

Yesterday morning on MSNBC, we noticed a segment that had aired on The Today Show about a family who was told to leave a flight after their 2-year-old threw a tantrum when she was being strapped into her seat. Apparently, she wanted to be held by her mother rather than sit in her own seat. The family had been traveling for quite awhile and toddler had missed her nap. While the details of what happened on the plane were not provided, it is likely that she was screaming and fighting while the crew were preparing for take-off and it had taken the mother some time to get the child strapped into her seat. The airline said that they had told the family to leave the plane because they had failed to comply with crew member instructions. An online poll among Today Show viewers indicated that 71% of those responding to the survey agreed with the airline's actions. As you might expect, the comments on the story are, on the whole, harsh and unsupportive of the family.

The fact that this was considered national (though morning) news is a good indicator of how unusual something like this is. Not that the toddler had the tantrum but the fact that the tantrum got her family removed from a plane. This story provides another illustration of the distorted views of parenting and childhood that have become so common (at least in the media). The comments and the results of the poll made it clear that people who responded thought that lack of discipline was the problem and that the parents should have had more control over the situation. Of course, we have a different point of view. Let's look at some pertinent facts.

The toddler involved is 2 years old. A 2-year-old has very little control over their emotions and if she gets overtired, overstimulated, or frightened, she is likely to have a tantrum. While some tantrums can be short and relatively low-key, others can get completely out of hand before the child settles down and all the parents can do is protect the child and others. Many people believe that very young children and toddlers can control their emotions if they only try but their brains are not yet capable of dealing with strong emotions. It is not a matter of choice or discipline, its related to brain maturation. If the child had been 4 or 5, the expectation would have been different. We encourage you to read our series on tantrums (see the links below) to learn more about the research in this area.  

The toddler had missed her nap. Given that the parents couldn't ask the airline to schedule the plane according to their toddler's routine, it is not surprising that the child was overtired and stressed. Traveling can be overwhelming for babies and overstimulation can lead to a lot of tears and difficult behavior. Parents can do a lot to reduce but not eliminate overstimulation while traveling (see the links below) and sometimes difficult behavior will result. Most of the time tantrums are short and self-limited when parents recognize what is happening.  

The parents did not have options typically available for dealing with tantrums. In a restaurant, most parents would take a fussy baby or toddler outside or at least hold them in their laps to limit stimulation or distract them. Getting ready for take-off, these options were not open to the parents but the 2-year-old had no way to know that. The 2-year-old had an expectation that her mother would hold her when she was distressed. At 2, children are not capable of understanding that a plane is different than a restaurant or any other place away from home.

Next time, we'll share some ideas about what might have been helpful in this situation. In the meantime, let us hear from you if you have any traveling stories with your children, good or bad.

Tantrums:

http://www.secretsofbabybehavior.com/2010/07/lets-talk-about-tantrums-part-i-basics.html

http://www.secretsofbabybehavior.com/2010/07/lets-talk-about-tantrums-part-2-common.html

http://www.secretsofbabybehavior.com/2010/07/lets-talk-about-tantrums-part-3.html

Traveling with Babies:

http://www.secretsofbabybehavior.com/2009/12/slight-detour-10-tips-for-traveling.html

http://www.secretsofbabybehavior.com/2010/08/10-tips-for-traveling-on-your-own-with_10.html

Reader Question: Why do Toddlers’ Bite?

For this post, we’ll take a short detour from our scheduled posts to respond to one of our readers who asked: Why do toddlers bite? What are some ways to manage this behavior? My son is 14mos.

Since our reader did not explain why she was asking this question, we don’t know if the biting is related to teething (like biting down occasionally on mom or dad in hopes to relieve the discomfort and pressure on the gums) or aggression. Since biting due to teething comes up much earlier than 14 months, we’ll assume we need to talk about why toddlers may bite their parents or other children when they are angry, frustrated, or sad.

Reasons for Toddler Biting

Aggressive behavior in young children is one of the toughest challenges parents face. Hitting, biting, kicking, and throwing things are common ways toddlers express strong emotions. At 14 months, your son is at a particularly tough age because he is old enough to cause some damage when he becomes aggressive but he is a long way from being able to control his impulses. To understand more about tantrums and aggressive behaviors in older infants and toddlers, we refer you to our earlier series on the topic. When toddlers are prevented from exploring something that interests them or when they must stop doing something that makes them happy, they will become frustrated, angry, or sad. Because they have no way to control these raw and unfamiliar emotions, they lash out any way they can. For many children, especially children who are orally oriented (they put everything in their mouths), biting may be a satisfying weapon. For older children (2 ½ or 3 years old), a disciplinary measure like a “time out” or removal of a favorite toy might be helpful but at 14 months, your son is too young to respond to formal discipline. His impulses are too strong. He doesn’t have the self-control to stop himself when he starts to bite something. Think of it like this; let’s say your son is going down a playground slide and half-way down, you tell him to “stop right there!” It just won’t work. Once he’s started down the slide, his momentum will carry him all the way down to the end. So how would you stop him? You would have to reach over and pull him off the slide. Just as your toddler would need your help to stop going down the slide, your biting toddler needs your help to stop him from biting.

Tips for Dealing with Toddler Biting

1. Prevent biting by watching for your child’s early signals that he is stressed, angry, or sad. Act quickly to redirect or remove him from situations that may end with him biting.

2. Know the normal developmental milestones for toddlers. For example, toddlers have a hard time sharing things that really interest them and they tend to play in parallel rather than with other children. Parents, who expect toddlers to “play nice” with other children, may end up dealing with a lot of aggressive behavior including biting.

3. Biting happens so quickly that you may not be able to intervene fast enough to stop it but you must step in  as fast as you can. Gently but firmly restrain your child so that he can’t bite (or can’t bite again) and don't let him go until he is calm again. Don’t be afraid to make it clear that you are disappointed or upset but there is no reason to shout. Tell your son that you understand that he is angry or sad but he is not allowed to bite. Explain why. This may seem a little strange but your son is able to understand your words long before he can use words himself. Your toddler does want to please you. By showing and explaining your reaction, you will help him learn that biting will never help him get what he wants. Unfortunately, this is not a lesson that is learned right away and emotional control is many months away for your toddler. So, you'll need to go back to step 1 many times. Watch for "baby steps" toward less aggressive behavior as your toddler slowly learns to control himself.

Remember, your child is working very hard to learn from you every day. When you are able to help him understand his own emotions (while controlling your own), you are teaching him some of the most important lessons he will ever learn.

Next time: Back to Baby Behavior in the news!

Resources
1. A bite in the playroom: Managing human bites in child care settings. Paediatr Child Health. 2008;13(6):515-26.
2. Solomons HC, Elardo R. Biting in day care centers: incidence, prevention, and intervention. J Pediatr Health Care. 1991;5(4):191-6.
3. Lieberman AF. The Emotional Life of the Toddler. Simon and Schuster, Inc. 1993.

Too Much Fun: Preventing Overstimulation in Infants and Toddlers

With so many families traveling and celebrating this time of year, it is not surprising that we see overstimulated babies and toddlers just about everywhere we go. Given that overstimulation can lead to crying in babies and dramatic meltdowns in toddlers, we thought we'd use this post to offer tips for parents hoping to prevent some of the fussing and tantrums so common during busy holiday preparations and parties. For some of you, all of this advice will seem silly. Your babies are able to socialize for long periods of time without showing any signs of stress and when they get tired of it all, they fall peacefully asleep. None of us had one of those babies. So, for the rest of you, we offer the following tips.

1. Be prepared.

Experienced parents know to take extra clothing, snacks, and distracting toys on any outing with babies and toddlers. Packing for trips to family gatherings or holiday parties should also include familiar soft objects or other favorite toys. Light blankets can be useful as needed cover for younger babies who need a break from all the fun. If you know your baby is particularly sensitive to large groups, scope out a quiet place at your destination that you can use for a quick retreat if needed. Make a plan with your spouse/partner so you can take turns socializing and watching the baby. While family and friends may be very happy to help, be sure you let them know about your baby's cues, especially the ones signaling that he is getting overwhelmed.

2. Timing is everything!

Unless your baby is a newborn, you probably know which times during the day are best for socializing with your baby. Both of my kids were happiest in the morning or just after their afternoon naps. If you have a choice about the time for your outings, try to match them up with the time of day when your baby is most likely to be alert, interested, and content.

3. Watch for the early warning signs.

No matter how easy-going the baby or what time of day, too much fun can bring on the tears if parents miss the early warning signs of overstimulation. Remember, babies have to work hard to concentrate on new faces, new experiences, and all the learning that comes with visiting and playing with loving family and friends. All babies and toddlers will give signs when they need a change or a break from stimulation. Younger babies will look, turn, and even push away from whomever is holding them or yawn, frown, or breathe faster and fuss a little. Just remember, these same cues are used no matter why the baby feels uncomfortable - too many new faces, dogs barking, or Aunt Lulu's loud voice. Your little one can't tell you what he needs a break from; it's your job to figure it out. Older babies will provide these same early cues but they can be far more sophisticated using gestures, pointing, and specific noises to help you know better what they want. Even toddlers who seem to be having fun will show indications when they need to slow things down. By responding to early cues, you'll avoid the stress of the crying baby or the screaming toddler who can't calm down.

4. Slow things down.

Make sure you pace activities and visits so that your baby has time to communicate with you if things get a little crazy. For example, if you walk into the family gathering right after a trip to the mall, be sure to keep your child close until you are sure that he or she shows clear signs the he is ready to play with all the new people. Loving relatives will want to hold and play with your baby. That's what your baby wants too. Just keep the transitions (from one person to the next) at a pace that your baby can handle and be ready, every once in awhile, to have a little quiet time in your arms.

5. Take effective breaks.

If you've noticed that your baby is getting tired or too excited with so much going on, be sure that you take an effective break, not just a moment in another room. Make sure that your baby is ready by watching for engagement cues or that your toddler is completely calmed down before you venture back out into the busy world. That way, you'll be able to spend a lot more time with friends and family before baby needs a nap or your toddler needs to go home.

While it may seem like you'll need to spend a lot of time and effort in avoiding overstimulation in your baby or toddler, you'll find that a little prevention can go a long way in keeping all of you happy (including your excited relatives). Unfortunately, misunderstanding of baby's behavior can end up with more melt downs, frazzled nerves, and desperate family members unsuccessfully using bribes or time-outs to control your baby's behavior. You'll find it will be much easier to work with your baby's natural rhythms and abilities. Everyone will have more fun.

Next time: Happy Holidays!

Let’s Talk about Tantrums Part 3. Preventing and Coping with Tantrums

Toddlers have tantrums in response to day-to-day frustrations and conflicts. For example, toddlers may spin out of control when they can’t put their socks on or get you to buy them candy. Tantrums are unpleasant for everyone, especially if they happen in public places. For many parents, giving in to the child’s demands may seem like the only way to deal with the screaming and flailing; other parents see swift punishment as the only answer. Neither of these extremes is likely to help the child or the parent. Fortunately, babies and toddlers are predictable and easily distracted. They also are smaller and easier to contain than older children. Responding early and quickly to your toddler’s signals can go a long way in keeping things under control.

Toddlers in the Real World

While traveling, I’ve been able to watch a lot of infants and toddlers in airports. I’ve seen some very wise and experienced parents deal with meltdowns. Just the other day, I watched a 2-year-old girl start to fuss about taking off her shoes in the security line. As her mother tried to take them off, the toddler plopped down on the floor, pulled her feet away, buried her head in her hands, and started to cry. This very experienced mom realized right away that this was going to be a manageable tantrum. She got down close to her daughter and encouraged her to use words instead of tears. Then, with a childlike lilt in her voice, she told her daughter that when they got on the other side of security, they would see big airplanes. After a moments’ hesitation, the toddler hopped up into her mom’s arms asking where the airplanes were. Later the same day, I watched a furious mom pulling her screaming toddler by the arms yelling that she had better walk “or else.” The screaming kept going even after they were out of sight.

An Ounce of Prevention

By the time your child is between 12 and 24 months old, you’ve had a lot of time to get to know each other. You’ve learned what makes your child angry, frightened, sad, or frustrated. In the past, you soothed away these emotions or provided some effective distraction. As your child gets older, the triggers for these emotions remain essentially the same, but the response is likely to be louder and longer. For example, if your child is frightened by loud sounds, taking your toddler to see a fireworks display is not likely to be fun. When you have a choice, plan your family activities with your child’s needs in mind, at least until your child gets a little older. When you don’t have a choice about your activities, watch for all the disengagement cues that you already know. Watch for signs of fatigue, fear, or discomfort and intervene before your baby loses control.

Steps to Try When All Else Fails

1. When a meltdown starts, parents have only a few moments to intervene effectively. Distraction is your biggest weapon against tantrums. Use it! When a conflict starts to escalate, be prepared with an attractive option. If your child can’t wear the red shoes, how about the magic green socks; or the special “going to the park” shoes? If possible, include a bonus trip to the park!

2. Help your baby use other parts of his brain. You’ve heard so many moms say “use your words” when talking to crying children. There is a great reason for this. When children are able to verbalize their emotions, they are better able to control the rising emotions. Of course, 2-year-olds are just building their verbal abilities. Help your child learn how to describe his feelings. Praise your child every time that the early signals do not end up in a tantrum.

3. Recognize the signs for a “big one.” Shorter, less intense tantrums will start with tears and just one other behavior (stamping feet or lying down). These tantrums will likely pass quickly if ignored or stopped with a few confident parental instructions. If, however, your child starts a tantrum with several behaviors, especially aggressive behaviors (like those in our picture above), your child is likely to need a lot of help from you. You’ll need to stay calm, remove your child, stop him from lashing out, keep him safe, and recognize that your child cannot control himself. Don't give in or try to distract your child. You'll just have to wait it out. Your child will escalate the tantrum and become increasingly angry for a few minutes. As he realizes that you are not giving in, his anger will turn to sadness and grief. This phase of the tantrum will last much longer than the anger. Don’t give in. Eventually, he’ll turn to you for comfort. He will have learned that 1) you won’t give in and 2) that you are there for him. Don’t worry what others might think or say around you.

You can survive this tough time. Toddlers get more control over their emotions and actions as they get older and their ability to communicate improves. You can help them work on self control but don’t expect that discipline will stop toddler tantrums. As children get closer to 3 or 4 years old, they'll have a lot more control over their bodies and feelings.

Next time: We’ll share some more information on crying!

Sources
Barlow J, Smailagic N, Ferriter M, Bennett C, Jones H. Group-based parent-training programmes for improving emotional and behavioural adjustment in children from birth to three years old. Cochrane Database Syst Rev. 2010;(3):CD003680.

Let’s Talk about Tantrums Part 2. Common Triggers

The toddler brain does not work like the adult brain. When you suddenly hear a barking dog behind a fence, you might be frightened for a moment, but another part of your brain will assure you that you don’t have to be frightened. When you don’t get something you want, you feel frustrated and disappointed, but you recognize and accept that you can't always get what you want (okay, that part might take awhile). If you get into an argument with someone you love, you get angry, but you realize you need to calm down so that you can work things out. A toddler’s experience of these every day occurrences is quite different. Once a toddler is frightened, disappointed, or angry, he may become overwhelmed with emotion and unable to control his actions. As we continue this series on tantrums, we’ll share common triggers for tantrums in children less than 2 years old.

Tantrums: An Emotional Roller Coaster

Most children have tantrums because they are experiencing one or both of two powerful emotions – anger and distress. For most children, their anger flares for only the first few minutes of a tantrum. When they realize that they will not get what they want, the anger is replaced by distress and sadness. They may cry hysterically for some time until they get tired and seek comfort. When toddlers start tantrums with lots of different behaviors, particularly aggressive behaviors like kicking or hitting, these tantrums are more likely to last longer than those that start with just one or two behaviors liking stamping and crying.

Common Scenarios that Trigger Tantrums

“I want to do it myself!”
An almost 2-year-old is old enough to want to do many things on her own but she is limited in her ability to carry out her plans. She’ll watch what others do (especially her older brothers or sisters) and assume that she can do the same things. Since few toddlers have the coordination and strength of older children and adults, frustration takes hold.

“I don’t want to.”
At the same time that older infants and toddlers want to do more things for themselves (like dressing themselves), they also become determined not to do certain things (like leaving the park). Because infants and toddlers are not able to control their rising emotions, even little disagreements over activities can boil over into angry confrontations.

“I want that!”
During infancy, children learn how to give cues to their caregivers to ensure that their needs are met. When they use hunger cues, they are fed. When they show discomfort, they are burped, diapered, or rocked. Sadly (for the toddlers), there comes a time when they find that their parents will no longer give them everything they want. As you might imagine, this takes some adjustment.

“I don’t feel good.”
We all tend to be cranky when we have a headache, stomach ache, or a stuffy nose. When we’re hungry or tired, we’re more easily upset by little frustrations. For toddlers, discomfort can amplify their emotions and reactions, so that little worries can lead to meltdowns.

By understanding more about why tantrums happen, parents can take steps (like making sure kids are rested, fed, and prepared before outings) to prevent some tantrums. Unfortunately, there really isn’t anything that parents can do to stop all tantrums. There are just too many factors outside of parents' control. Next time we’ll talk more about interventions parents might try to prevent or shorten their children's tantrums.

Next time: Let's Talk about Tantrums Part 3

Sources:

Osterman K, Björkqvist K. A cross-sectional study of onset, cessation, frequency, and duration of children's temper tantrums in a nonclinical sample. Psychol Rep. 2010; 106:448-54.

Potegal M, Kosorok MR, Davidson RJ. Temper Tantrums in Young Children 2: Tantrum Duration and Temporal Organization. Dev Behav Pediatr 2003; 24: 148-154.

Potegal M, Davidson RJ. Temper Tantrums in Young Children 1: Behavioral Composition. Dev Behav Pediatr 2003; 24: 140-147.

Let’s Talk about Tantrums Part I: The Basics

If you haven’t yet had the unforgettable experience of having your own child throw a tantrum in a public place, you’ve probably seen your share of tantrums in stores, restaurants, or at the movies. Nearly 90% of both boys and girls between 18 and 36 months of age have tantrums. Even though it seems like they last forever, most tantrums last between 5 and 10 minutes (75% of tantrums last 5 minutes or less). Children may develop their own tantrum “style” but tantrums typically include one more of the following behaviors: screaming, crying, stamping, throwing, running, pushing, or flailing arms and legs. Sometimes children having tantrums will bang their heads, punch, or kick anyone within reach. While we realize there is plenty of advice for parents to help them understand and deal with their children’s tantrums, we’ll offer our own take on this common experience.

Why Tantrums Happen

Why does a sweet happy singing child suddenly melt down into fits of rage? Why do anger, frustration, sadness, and fear become so out of control in older infants? In the past, parents believed that older infants and toddlers chose to kick and scream to get their way. Babies certainly learn quickly that specific cues or behaviors are likely to get desired responses but these discoveries come out of babies’ experimentation to find “cause and effect,” not out of attempts at manipulation.

Older babies’ brains are ready to experience feelings such as anger, disappointment, and frustration but they aren’t able to control those emotions. Think of it like leaving a pot of water on a hot stove and finding that you can’t turn off the burner or move the pot once the water has started bubbling. The water continues to boil, becoming more and more intense until the water evaporates away. Compare this image with that of the toddler shouting with frustration at his mother in a store, getting louder and louder until he bursts into tears and falls exhausted into his mother’s arms.

Jen B got first hand experience with a tantrum just a few days ago returning home with her family from a trip to Grandma’s house. Her daughter, Olivia, happy to take trips throughout the weekend, suddenly became aware that they were headed home. “Where’s the beach?” She asked a little distressed, and then asked if they were going back to Grandma’s house. Of course, she was reassured that they would see her grandparents soon but Olivia was already angry and losing control. The screaming and crying began and lasted all the way home.

Facts about Tantrums

In a 2003 study, researchers studied 335 children to get a better understanding of tantrums in children up to 5 years of age. Some of their findings include:
During tantrums, screaming and crying tend to go on continuously; aggressive behaviors tend to be intermittent
Shorter tantrums (less than 3 minutes) usually include only crying and one other behavior like stamping or dropping to the floor, longer tantrums (3 minutes or more) are more likely to include more behaviors and aggressive actions
Children who are distressed (sad or fearful) will have longer tantrums than those who are angry

We know that tantrums can be exhausting and embarrassing for parents and children. In part 2 of this series, we’ll share some tips to help you cope with tantrums.

Next time: Let’s Talk about Tantrums Part II. Common Triggers

Sources:

Osterman K, Björkqvist K. A cross-sectional study of onset, cessation, frequency, and duration of children's temper tantrums in a nonclinical sample. Psychol Rep. 2010; 106:448-54.

Potegal M, Kosorok MR, Davidson RJ. Temper Tantrums in Young Children 2: Tantrum Duration and Temporal Organization. Dev Behav Pediatr 2003; 24: 148-154.

Potegal M, Davidson RJ. Temper Tantrums in Young Children 1: Behavioral Composition. Dev Behav Pediatr 2003; 24: 140-147.