Fathers and Baby Behavior: The Father's Day Edition

First, we’d like to say Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers! We are so appreciative of all that fathers do for their children and hope that you get the celebration you deserve!

Research has shown that fathers play an important role in the cognitive, emotional, and physical development of their children. Over the last few years, several of our posts have focused specifically on fathers, so in honor of Father’s Day, we’d like to highlight these previous posts.

It Takes Two Baby: How Babies and Parents Learn about Each Other (December 2009) – This post focuses on how various caregivers can build relationships with newborn babies. It explains that fathers are often an important source of stimulation and fun, provide variety and security, and can be the first caregiver to learn to read the infant’s cues. It also highlights how important fathers can be in ensuring that the new baby doesn't get overstimulated by their new and exciting surroundings.

Parenting Roles Change: The Rise of the Stay-at-Home Dad (August 2010) - With more women working outside the home than ever before, it isn’t surprising that the number of stay-at-home dads has nearly doubled in the past 10 years. This post features 5 tips for stay-at-home dads with information about how to make caring for themselves and their babies a little easier.

New Dads on the Block (August 2010) – In this post, we describe how the father’s role has changed over the last 40 years, highlighting the increase in paternal involvement and understanding of their babies.

And Baby Makes 3: The Realities of becoming a dad (October 2010) - This post, the fourth in a series about how couples transition into parents, describes recent research on experiences shared by new fathers, including feeling lost in the shuffle, dealing with reality, and bonding with baby.

Baby Behavior Around the World: Key Caregivers of Babies (Part 2) (May 2011) - In the second part of our first Baby Behavior Around the World post, we describe how fathers’ roles vary in different cultures and countries.

We hope that the posts that we’ve written so far have been useful, and we are eager to provide more information for all of our male readers. So, we have a special request of our female readers: share this post with the fathers in your life! If you are a dad reading this post, share it with other dads you know. Understanding Baby Behavior can make parents' lives less stressful and make them feel more confident in knowing what their babies needs.

Have a great Father's Day weekend!

New Dads on the Block

Picture this traditional scene – It’s 1970 and parents of a newborn arrive at a “welcome home” barbeque for the new family at the home of the mother’s parents. Within minutes, the new baby is passed from one set of arms to another. No surprise to any of our readers, it does not take long before the newborn tires and starts to turn away from all the attention. These early cues are ignored until the newborn begins to cry loudly just as he is handed to his grandfather. With a knowing smile, granddad says “looks like this little guy needs his mama” and stiffly hands the fussy baby to his daughter. Knowing smiles pass among the women at the gathering and someone declares that men are “just hopeless” with babies.

For many generations, men’s roles in child rearing have been delegated to the sidelines. Men were expected to step into the action only when women were too tired, too stressed, or occupied with other responsibilities. Traditionally, men have played more of a utilitarian role as diaper changers and secondary feeders, leaving the bonding, emotional connection, and comforting to mothers who were expected somehow to intrinsically know “just what to do” when their babies needed them.

Fast forward 40 years. The world has changed dramatically, fathers both demand, and are expected, to play a much larger role in their children’s lives. In fact, it is now known that father (or father figure) involvement plays a specific and beneficial role in promoting infant health and development. Even so, much of the education and support offered to new parents is still focused almost entirely on mothers. Research in this area (often done in Scandinavian countries where fathers get some hefty paternity leave) suggests that many fathers feel overwhelmed, out of control, undervalued, and misunderstood. Fathers want and often experience many of the same feelings mothers do, sensing the bond and “completeness” that new parents experience. While mothers may be comfortable to feel their way around both physically and emotionally, men are more likely to want to identify and master the specific skills needed for their new role. They would prefer an “instruction manual” while women tend to rely on their friends and family to support individual decisions. (Ok, I realize these are generalizations, but the research suggests that lots of dads feel this way)

While this blog is far from “an instruction manual,” we hope that we have added to dads' knowledge and skills, helping them to understand the value of their interactions with their infants. In our imaginations, we hope our readers would experience a different scene unfolding versus the one described at the start of this post.

Todd and Jill arrive with their newborn, Sam, at Jill’s parents’ welcome home barbeque. Todd and Jill are very familiar with Sam’s disengagement cues and they know that Sam has a particular problem with overstimulation when he is already drowsy. They have come prepared with a plan to minimize stimulation if Sam show’s signs of tiring. Todd carries Sam into the party confidently and proudly. As Jill reconnects with family and friends, Todd keeps a casual but sharp eye on Sam’s reaction to each new relative, pacing new contacts slowly. As Sam begins to tire, Todd explains to the group about the baby’s cues and knowingly takes the irritable Sam from his grandfather’s arms before he starts to cry.

Of course, in our dreams, everyone at the party has the same baby behavior skills and Todd’s perceptions are not even noticed as out of the ordinary! We’d love to hear from dads if they have had any experiences like those we’ve described, particularly if you have been dismissed as knowing nothing about infants or (what we hope) embraced as the “baby psychic” in the family.

Next time: Let’s Talk about Twins!

References

Fägerskiöld A. Support of fathers of infants by the child health nurse. Scand J Caring Sci. 2006 Mar;20(1):79-85.

Premberg A, Hellström AL, Berg M. Experiences of the first year as father. Scand J Caring Sci. 2008 Mar;22(1):56-63.

Fägerskiöld A. A change in life as experienced by first-time fathers. Scand J Caring Sci. 2008 Mar;22(1):64-71.

Parenting Roles Change: The Rise of the Stay-at-Home Dad

By Jennifer Goldbronn, RD

For the first time ever, women make up the majority of the workforce; 4 out of 10 mothers are now the primary breadwinners in their families. Whether it’s the result of the economic downturn or a personal family choice, there are currently about 158,000 SAHDs (Stay-At-Home dads) in the United States, and that number has almost doubled in the last 10 years.

We wanted to write a post dedicated to stay-at-home dads to support them in understanding their babies’ behaviors. Of course, all of this information applies to stay-at-home moms as well. I wrote this post, not only in response to the shift in family structures that has affected thousands of families, but because it has touched my own family. Exactly one year ago, my husband was laid off from his job as the building industry plummeted. Ever since then, he has stayed home to care for our daughter, now almost 3 ½. Unexpectedly, my husband has become the primary caregiver of our daughter while I spend my days at work or traveling across the state to share Baby Behavior messages and my evenings in graduate school. Through all of this, I think I’m the luckiest mom in the world because wherever I am, I know that my daughter is with the one person in the world that loves her as much as I do, her daddy.

So, for all of you SAHDs caring for babies, we would like to offer 5 tips to help you in your parenting journey. There is no doubt that parenting is the hardest job in the world. Even though this is the first time we’ve written an entire post dedicated to stay-at-home dads, we hope that many of our other posts also have been useful to you!

5 Tips for Stay-At-Home Dads of Infants

1. Learn How Babies Behave
These days, many working dads play a large role in parenting their children. As primary caregivers, stay-at-home dads play an even larger role, but both working and stay-at-home dads can become experts about their babies’ behavior. In the beginning, as with any new relationship, there is an adjustment period, but it won't take long before you too can create your own special language with your infant.

Understanding your baby’s behavior may seem complicated, but it can’t be too difficult or how would babies ever survive? We encourage you to read or re-read the original 4 Baby Behavior Basics posts to help build your confidence in caring for your baby.
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Part 1: Baby Behavior Basics Part 1: Three Reasons Why Babies Don’t Sleep through the Night

Part 2: Baby Behavior Basics Part 2: The Many Moods of Babies

Part 3: Baby Behavior Basics Part 3: Learning and Creating Your Baby’s Special Language

Part 4: Baby Behavior Basics Part 4: Crying: Your Baby’s Super Power

2. Embrace the Power of Routines and Repetition in Your Baby’s Life
Babies feel calm and secure in knowing what to expect each day. Simply keeping a predictable daily structure each day will help you and your baby develop similar rhythms. However, please don’t confuse “routines” (patterns of actions, or doing the same thing in the same order) with “schedules” (actions dictated by the clock rather than baby's needs). We are proponents of the former rather than the latter. Instinctively, most parents settle into routines at bedtime, bath time, and when feeding their babies. For more information about the power of routines, click here.

3. Get Out of the House with Your Baby
While we realize getting out of the house with an infant can be quite challenging, fresh air can do wonders for you (and your baby) after being stuck inside the house all day. Getting out of the house can be as simple as just running an errand or taking a walk around the block, and will give you and your baby a nice break. Since nap times will vary from baby to baby and your baby’s age, try to plan outings during your baby’s most alert and rested times of day. For the trips with your baby that take you outside of your area code, read this post.

4. Build a Support Network
Have you ever noticed the large number of mommy groups and play groups run by women? That’s because it takes a lot of support to raise children. These days, families are more isolated than in the past. Many couples do not have family nearby to provide support and some SAHDs may find that their own parents are not accepting of their new role. SAHD groups are on the rise; New York City has a very active dad’s group that was created in 2008 and now has over 200 members. Check the internet to find a dads group near you or plan “play dates” (you can call them something else!) with other SAHDs you meet while you are out with your baby.

For more about dad's roles in babies' lives, see “New Babies, Growing Families and Fitting In.”

5. Take Care of Yourself Too
Make time (probably through negotiations with your significant other) to do things you like to do to relieve stress and give yourself a break. You’ve probably heard the adage: if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others. It’s cliché but true. From experience I can testify that taking a break will allow you to return home refreshed and ready for another round of diaper duty or peek-a-boo.

One thing I’ve learned from life with my husband at home is that children’s experiences with SAHDs may differ quite a bit from those they would have with stay-at-home moms. My daughter’s dance and t-ball skills are way beyond what I could have taught her. She also has no fear when she rides her tricycle down our steep driveway with the wind in her hair, smiling from ear to ear. I probably never would have let her have that experience more than once! While our situation didn’t work out the way we planned it, we’ve all learned and benefited from our arrangement. We know we’re not alone in working things out this way. And neither are you! There’s no doubt that stay-at-home moms and dads need tools to help deal with their many adventures while parenting. Let us know what questions you have and we’ll do our best to find the answers for you.

Next time: More Focus on Fathers

References:

http://ktar.com/index.php?nid=6&sid=1324058)
http://www.nydailynews.com/money/2010/07/26/2010-07-26_whether_by_choice_or_because_of_the_recession_more_dads_are_staying_at_home_with.html?obref=obnetwork (accessed on 8/19/2010)
US Census Bureau website: accessed 8/19/10
http://www.dadventure.ca/: (accessed 8/19/10)
http://www.nycdadsgroup.com/ (accessed 8/19/10)