Recently, one of our readers told us that her 3-month-old had been frightened inadvertently by her great-grandmother. Concerned that her baby and her great-grandmother were upset by the incident, she asked, "Why do babies tend to get scared of "strangers" around 6 months? What can parents do about it to help their child? Also, how should parents respond to the 'stranger' in that moment?" It is upsetting when babies shrink away or cry when introduced to our closest friends and relatives but "stranger anxiety" is a positive sign of infant development. While a 3-month-old is quite young to have this kind of reaction, other factors may have played a role in what happened. In this post, we'll take a closer look at babies' "stranger anxiety" that isn't always restricted to "strangers."
Stranger Anxiety and or Too Much Stimulation?Stranger anxiety refers to a nearly universal behavior of babies that starts when babies reach about 6 months. Very young babies typically don't show concern when they see someone they haven't seen before. They may even look at new people for quite awhile, as if they were studying them, trying to figure out if they have seen them before. Young babies don't care very much about who is holding them and they don't get upset by being passed from relative to relative at family gatherings, unless all the excitement becomes too much for them and they have a meltdown.
While all babies develop at their own pace, most 3-month-old babies don't have stranger anxiety. It is more common that younger babies get upset because of over stimulation, too much noise, too many new faces, or things coming too close, too quickly. Many loving relatives want to reach out and hold a baby close to them while excitedly talking or laughing. For babies who need the pace to be a little slower, that kind of handling can be scary. You know your baby better than anyone; you'll know if your baby is "slow to warm up," meaning that she needs a little time for introductions to go smoothly. When you come to a gathering of excited friends and relatives, a quick explanation about why you need to hold the baby and take things slowly may be necessary. You can watch for the
early signs that your baby needs a break from the group and point them out to everyone. That will keep the crying to a minimum.
Instincts Keep Baby Close Just When She's Able to Move AwaySometime around 6 months, babies get worried about being around people that they don't see everyday. You may see your baby's
"disengagement cues" at the very first sight of friends and relatives. She may cling to you frantically and cry if anyone else tries to hold her. Even though this reaction may be inconvenient and sometimes embarrassing, it is an important step for your baby. Stranger anxiety signals two good things. First, your baby has decided that you represent a safe haven for her. Second, your baby is probably gaining physical skills that allow her to move away from you like rolling, creeping, and crawling. Her anxiety ensures that she doesn't move too far away from those who will protect her. As she improves her skills to explore her world, her instincts tell her to stay close. Stranger anxiety doesn't completely go away but lessens by the time babies are 18 to 24 months old.
Dealing with MeltdownsWhat should you do if your baby has already panicked and refused to be held by your very best friend or your great-grandmother? Taking a moment to
calm your baby is the obvious first step. After your baby is calm, it will be important ensure that your friend or relative does not take the baby's reaction personally. Explain what has happened and why. Bring the baby back for a more peaceful introduction, letting the baby set the pace. You don't want to overreact to these situations; stay calm and confident and reassure your baby. Let her know that you understand what she feels
but you also know that your friend or family member is someone you trust. You should be the safe haven your baby needs but at the same time, you don't want her fears to prevent her from the important work she has to do to learn about the world and relationships.
Next time: New Babies, Growing Families and Fitting In
