Back to Basics Part 2: The Many Moods of Babies

Today is part 2 in a series that takes us back to the basics of Baby Behavior. As we revisit the first series of posts that we wrote in July 2009, we’ve added links to related posts that we've shared since those early days. Part 1 in this series explained the Reasons Why Babies Don't Sleep through the Night. Today's post will explore the Many Moods of Babies.

In the original post The Many Moods of Babies, we introduced the topic of infant states (or moods) and talked about the 4 different states that babies move in and out of when they are awake: Drowsy, Quiet Alert, Irritable and Crying. We explained how to tell when your baby is in each of these states and shared what you can do to keep your baby comfortable and happy no matter what state she’s in.

Since we’ve written the above post, we’ve added more details about the quiet alert state and how babies in this state love to learn and interact with you. Keep in mind, all of this learning is hard work for babies! We’ll talk more about the importance of giving babies breaks in the next post which will focus on cues.

Because some of us had personal experience with babies that hated to be in the drowsy state, we wrote a post that explained why some babies hate being drowsy and provided tips for keeping those babies as happy as possible.

As those first months went by, we talked about other things that can influence how your baby tolerates being in certain states in a series about infant temperament. We explored the different elements of an infant's temperament, such as adaptability (how quickly babies’ adjust to new experiences) and intensity (the strength of babies’ emotions when dealing with the world around them), all of which help form an infant’s unique personality. Then we gave suggestions on how to handle all types of babies’ temperaments and talked about the importance of understanding the differences between your own personality and your baby’s in a post titled: Babies with Personality! How Temperament Influences Babies' Relationships.

We hope we’ve helped you understand your babies’ many moods (and personality) a little better. Remember, babies aren’t really mysterious once you know the Secrets of Baby Behavior. Now that you’ve reviewed the basics about infant states and temperaments, what other questions do you have about understanding your baby?

Next time: We’ll revisit your baby’s unique language: cues

And Baby Makes Three Part 2- Parents' Early Relationships: Chaos, Retreat, and Reorganization

In the last post, we talked about how parents' relationships with each other can influence their babies' behavior. When parents are frustrated and angry with each other, babies can be affected both by the stressful environment and by their parents' lack of attention to their early cues. We also described how easy it is for new parents to be frustrated, given how hard it is to care for a child, especially those first few unrelenting weeks. In this post, we're going to share a study we found that we think will interest you. We each decided that it described our own experience very well. We'd love to hear what you think.

The Evolution of Parents' Interdependence

In a study published in the Journal of Family Nursing (2007), Linda Bell and colleagues at the Universite de Sherbrooke in Montreal studied family relationships in the first 4 months after the birth of the couples' first child. While the study was small (18 low-risk families), all of the parents consented to detailed interviews (60-90 minutes long) when their babies were 1 week, 6, weeks, and 16 weeks old. Mothers and fathers were interviewed separately. We think having these interviews take place at such pivotal ages was brilliant and the story told by the researchers hit home for all of us. Their findings describe how family relationships evolve, focusing on parents' experiences and perspectives at each time point.

Week 1: Chaos

In the first week, parents were confused, stressed, trying to understand and relate to their babies. They ended up in survival-mode, trying to find ways to get through each day. The mothers talked about struggling to figure out how to keep baby happy and dads talked more about being fascinated with their babies' physical appearance ("he looks like us") and abilities. Because both parents were so confused about what to do with the baby, they relied on each other to help them guess what was best. They tried as best they could to "be on the same page" and work together to make sense of things. Neither parent had a set "role" or job.

Week 6: Retreat and Regroup

By the time the baby was 6 weeks old, parents had "figured out" their roles. Each parent could describe how they separately related to the baby. Parents (through negotiations or established routines) had developed "jobs" that belonged to them. Interestingly, moms tended to take on more jobs that involved direct infant care (not just feeding) and dads tended to have jobs that were more supportive or protective. Most of the dads in the study worked outside the home and it is likely that this separation made a difference in the outcomes. When discussing family relationships, the parents talked a lot about their new relationships with the baby but very little about their own relationship - as if the baby's needs had pulled them apart.

Week 16: Family Reorganization

As the babies reached 4 months of age, the parents were far more likely to see their family as a "unit" working together. The "couple" had reformed and parents realized that their relationships with the baby were different, but complementary. Out of all the chaos and struggle, they discovered common goals and ways to reassure each other. Since their babies were old enough to interact and play with both parents, moms and dads were able to develop individual relationships with their babies while building a sense of themselves as a family unit. The parents also rediscovered each other.

Happy ending, eh? While we know that this kind of harmony doesn't come quickly to every couple, we all remembered this evolution exactly as the authors described it. We hope that this study (and our perspective) offers hope to all of you who are still in those first few weeks wondering how you'll ever be able to manage it all. You will. You'll be pros in no time. Remember, talk things over, keep your sense of humor, ask for and accept help.

For those of you beyond those early months, let us know if your experience was like ours. We'd love to hear from you.

Next time: And Baby Makes Three Part 3- The Challenge of Change

Reference: Bell, L. et al. Mother' and Fathers' Views of the Interdependence of Their Relationships with their Infant: A Systems Perspective on Early Family Relationships. Journal of Family Nursing 2007; 13: 179-200.

Saying No to Unwanted Baby Gifts

In response to our recent post on baby toys, videos, and equipment that can interfere with relationships between parents and babies, one of our readers asked, “How do you stop people gifting you things you may not want or agree with?” This is a tough question. No one wants to disappoint loved ones who have been kind enough to bring your baby gifts. Yet, the gifts may be inappropriate for your baby's age, too loud, too big, or potentially harmful. How then, can we possibly look into friends’ or relatives’ excited eyes and tell them that we don’t want their gifts? While there's no way to make such a conversation easy, here are a few tips that might help you feel a little more comfortable.

Choose your battles. Sometimes, it is better to politely accept gifts you don't really want. If you don’t know the giver well, or you know that anything you say will be taken as an insult, it is best to quietly accept the gift. If the gift is large or expensive or given by someone you'll see often or know well, you might want to say something. You are the best judge to decide if a discussion about a gift will lead only to frustration and hurt feelings. If that is the case, it may be better to smile, say thank you, and move on.

Don’t expect people to read your mind. I know it would be much easier (sometimes) if our friends and family could read our minds. If they knew that we didn’t want certain gifts, we wouldn’t have to get into uncomfortable conversations about them. Unfortunately, unless your friends are powerful psychics, you cannot expect them to know what you want unless you tell them. You might be able to avoid receiving unwanted gifts by talking (or blogging) about what you think about the latest baby fads before the gifts start arriving. Many of your friends and relatives may be relieved that you don’t want expensive (and unecessary) things. If they ask what you really want, don't be shy; tell them.

Keep their good intentions in your mind. If you think carefully about why your friends and relatives chose their gifts for your baby, rather than the gifts themselves, you might find it easier to find the words you need to say. Your close friends and family may think that fancy gifts are necessary to express how much they love you and your baby. Acknowledge how much you appreciate their thoughtfulness then tell them about your concerns. Don't give them a lecture, talk with them. Keep your mind open to what they have to say. Make sure that they understand that your concerns about their baby gift have nothing to do with how much they are loved and valued.

If you decide to talk about the baby gift, don’t be vague. If you’ve made the decision that it is worth talking to your friend or relative about a gift, it is better to speak frankly and clearly. If you are vague, it is likely that all your effort will be for nothing. You might even find yourself having the same discussion over and over again.

Try the “sandwich” technique. If you have to say something to someone that may be uncomfortable for your both, you might want to “sandwich” the negative message between two positive messages. For example, “Aunt Hortense, thank you so much for thinking of us and bringing this [amazing baby gizmo], I know you went to a lot of trouble to get it but I have some concerns. We've heard that [these gizmos] may not be good for babies because….... Have you heard about that? I know we're so close that I can talk to you honestly about anything and I wanted you to know what I've learned.” With luck, this may start a conversation about your concerns while sending a clear message about how much you value the relationship.

We hope these tips are useful to you. We know how hard it can be to talk to those we love about difficult topics. Even in the best circumstances, you should be prepared for an unhappy initial response. If things don't go well at first, give the gift givers time to think things over. Maintain your loving respectful attitude and you’ll find that with time, most of them will come to understand your thinking.

Next time: Dealing with overenthusiastic friends and relatives who may scare your baby.

Making the Most of Your Baby's New Holiday Toys

Over the last few weeks, we've celebrated several gift-giving holidays and babies all over the world have received new toys, blankets, clothes, books, and other gifts from well-intentioned friends and family. My children were babies more than 20 years ago and I am amazed how many toys today move, spin, flash, blink, and sparkle. Most of them seem to make endless electronic noises. Thank goodness for the on/off switch! Given that many parents are looking at shiny new toys on shelves and in boxes these days, we thought we would share some ideas on how to make the most of these gifts while interacting with your baby.

Eight Tips for Making the Most of New Toys

1. Follow age recommendations. These days, toys are clearly marked by age group. The age groups are based on the typical abilities and behaviors of babies at each age. Even if you think that your baby is advanced (and we know you all do!), you might find that your baby becomes frustrated or bored with a toy if she doesn't have the skills needed to play with it.


2. Check for hazards. Make sure that your baby's toys are not small enough to be a choking hazard and that they can't break apart into small dangerous pieces. Also, you'll want to check the Internet to make sure the toys have not been recalled for any reason.


3. Let your baby use all of her senses. Remember that young babies learn best when they can use all of their senses. Babies are typically interested in toys made of bright primary colors but most babies want to do more with toys than just look at them. Even young babies will try to touch, smell, and taste the toys within their reach. Pick some safe toys and let your baby explore!
   
4. Rotate those toys! Babies love variety in toys' size, shape, texture and color. They may be particularly fascinated by differences between objects. As your baby's interest fades, you might find that trading for a toy that is much larger or smaller, with a different color or texture, will hold your baby's interest longer. The bigger the difference between toys, the better. You don't need a lot of toys, just variety. Rotate the toys when your baby is still alert but seems to be bored. Don't overdo it or you may find that your baby is overstimulated. Watch for cues that your baby needs a break from playing.


5. Baby's favorite toys don't have to be expensive. Many parents have spent money on the latest "must-have" toy only to find that the baby prefers the box the toy came in. Babies don't need fancy toys. Babies can be happy playing with a set of measuring cups. Just remember to vary the size, shape, color, and texture and your baby is likely to be happy to play with whatever you give to her. Remember, she's not impressed by labels or price tags!


6. Talk to your baby about her new toys. Your baby loves to hear the sound of your voice and she is eager to learn about language and words. Tell your baby about the colors and shapes she sees and the sounds she hears. The more you talk about her toys in a happy sing-song voice, the more your baby will listen and learn.


7. Encourage your baby to move. Any toy can be used to encourage your baby to be active. Newborns will try to follow toys by moving their eyes and bodies; older babies will reach, creep, crawl and eventually walk to get to toys. All babies need activity, even young babies need some time to play each day on their tummies with their hands and legs free to move.
   
8. You are your baby's favorite toy! Babies love to be held and entertained by repetitive rhymes and games. Games like peek-a-boo and "where's your nose?" will keep your baby happy long after she's lost interest in her shiny and loud gifts. Your time and loving attention mean a lot more to your baby than the holiday packages. Most of all, new toys are far more exciting for your baby when you are nearby to share the fun.

What was your baby's favorite holiday toy?

Next time: We'll have another baby quiz!

Polishing the Mirror: Simple Ways to Reflect the Best of Yourself for Your Baby

Last time, we talked about how babies watch their parents in order to learn more about the world around them. Babies use careful observation to learn as much as they can long before they are capable of asking questions or sitting in a schoolroom. Whenever babies are awake and alert, they are watching, learning, and experiencing everything that their senses can discover. That old cliche, that says "you are your child's first teacher" is true! Here are a few things to keep in mind as you guide your baby's early learning.

1. For most of the first year of your baby's life, you are completely in charge of his environment. You choose where he goes, what he sees, what he eats, where he sleeps, and who he is with. Choose wisely! Do your very best to make sure that your baby's environment is safe and interesting but not overwhelming. Don't worry about spending tons of money on fancy toys. Your baby would rather play with you than with anything you can buy.

2. Watch for signs that your baby is in a quiet alert mood and when he is ready, show your baby the things you most want to share with him. Let him use as many senses as possible while you tell him about his world. For example, if you love the out of doors, use this time to take your baby outside to see, hear, and smell all the things you love about nature.

3. When your baby is in the room, don't let other people behave as if he is not there. Don't let anyone do or say things in front of your baby that you wouldn't want an older child to see or hear. It is easy to think that it doesn't matter what adults do around babies, but it does matter. Babies are "recording" others' words and actions long before they can talk or fully understand what is going on around them.

4. Learn your baby's cues and respond consistently to them. Babies learn quickly about "cause and effect" from the responses they get to their cues. By promptly responding to your baby's cues, you are teaching your baby that he can trust and communicate with you. Also, babies are most ready to learn when they are relaxed and comfortable.

5. Use routines to direct your baby's attention. Remember, babies feel safe and happy when they can predict what will happen to them. When you develop routines for bathtime, meal time, and naps, babies more readily learn your rules. We're not talking about "schedules" rigidly ruled by the clock, but routines - when you use the same series of words and actions. You can develop routines for learning time too! For example, if you notice that your baby is relaxed and alert, you can bring out a special blanket, smile, and ask "Are you ready to see something new?" before you get down on the floor and play with him. When your baby is old enough, this routine will bring squeals of glee.

6. Let your baby explore! Safe exploration is a powerful learning tool. Babies are driven to look, touch, taste, smell, and listen to everything in their environment. Make sure that your baby has an opportunity to move and experience (safe) things each day. Don't forget to watch for signs that your baby needs a break from all the activity. Remember, too much fun can be overwhelming!

Next time: More Holiday Wishes from UC Davis!

Nighttime Waking and the Older Infant

After the long nights of the first 6 to 8 weeks, many new parents start to believe that they will never sleep more than 4 hours again. Fortunately, babies do slowly and steadily lengthen the time they sleep at night. By 6 months, many infants are sleeping 6 hours at a stretch. While 6 hours would never have been considered a full nights’ sleep before the baby was born, the long stretch seems heavenly to the long suffering parents of newborns. As the weeks go by, parents settle in to their new, somewhat more rested, lives.

And then something strange happens.

Just as you thought you might be able to make it through the day without aching for a nap, your little darling starts waking again around 8 or 9 months of age. Sometimes the baby wakes screaming in distress, uninterested in feeding, only calmed by the warmth of your arms. Sometimes you find your baby sitting up or standing in her crib calling out for you and you find her wide awake and ready to play. You may turn to friends, family, books, or magazines for reasons and solutions. In this post, we’ll go over some of the most common reasons why older infants wake during the night.

1. Changes in routine
For children, routines are essential to help them organize their lives and feel safe. Bedtime routines can help infants move easily through alert states to sleep. Starting day care, taking vacations, and visiting grandma’s house may result in big differences in the bedtime routine. For many babies, these changes result in waking. While some changes in routine are to be expected, try to keep the patterns as similar as you can. For example, while at grandma’s house, read the same book, sing the same song, and play whatever night time games you played at home. But be prepared that your baby may wake, at least until you are back home or the new routine is established.

2. Illness and discomfort such as with teething or sinus congestion
Just like adults, children will wake when they are sick and uncomfortable. Sudden waking may be followed by a fever or other signs of illness. Teething is also likely to disturb your baby’s sleep. Check with your doctor to figure out the cause of your baby’s discomfort and ask about safe ways to make your child feel more comfortable. Fortunately, teething doesn’t last forever.

3. Learning new physical skills
As children get older, they are driven to move and practice new found skills like sitting up, standing, and walking, over and over again. Unfortunately, these drives can be so powerful that they’ll want to practice during the night as well as the day. Pulling up to a stand during the day often is met by smiling and clapping from adults. Babies think they should get the same congratulations at 4 a.m. While you can’t stop all physically driven waking, encouraging your child to safely practice his new found skills during the day can help.

4. Separation anxiety
Around the same time that children are able to crawl and walk away from you, they develop a powerful need not to go very far. Being away from you becomes a source of anxiety for babies between 7 to 8 months of age. “Separation anxiety” remains strong for most children until they are about 18 months of age, becoming less intense as they become preschoolers. For some children, this anxiety is a problem both day and night. Routines and quick reassurance can go a long way in helping babies back to sleep.

5. Growth spurts
Older infants sometimes have growth spurts, especially when they are recovering from illness. Babies often eat less when they are sick and they need to “catch up” for all those lost calories. During periods of rapid growth and recovery, older infants may need to be fed more frequently for a few days. If they don’t get enough to eat during the day, they may wake to feed at night. By watching for hunger cues, parents can help babies get more of the calories they need during the day. If your older baby suddenly starts waking up for feedings at night and the new pattern lasts for more than a few days, check in with your doctor or lactation consultant to make sure that feedings are going well.

Next time: We’ll talk about why babies love to do the same things over and over and over….

Thoughts from a Sleep Deprived Mom: Part 1

By: Jen G
“The first 6 weeks after the baby is born are the hardest!” “Sleep now while you can!” “All of your trouble sleeping at night now is getting you ready to wake up with your new baby!” I heard all of these words of advice and more when I was pregnant with my daughter, and they were generally accompanied by a hearty “Ha-ha-ha.” I would respond with an uncomfortable and somewhat irritated: “Ha-ha, thanks” having no clue what I was in for.

What I knew then.
Before my daughter was born I worked as a dietitian for the WIC program (Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women Infants & Children). You’d think I would know infants, right? Wrong! Sure, I could teach parents about breastfeeding and feeding their toddlers or preschoolers, but when my own little one was born, she didn’t follow any of the rules I had learned! I had even taught classes about Baby Behavior to new parents, but figuring out my own baby’s behavior and sleep “schedule” was like trying to decipher a complicated puzzle.

When my daughter was born 2 years ago, I had learned a little bit about what normal infant sleep looks like and knew that waking was healthy. I knew that her sleep patterns would be a bit unorganized her first few weeks of life, but that knowledge alone did not prepare me to cope with the exhaustion those sleepless nights would bring. I did have one salvation- I knew that if I could just survive those first 6 weeks of my daughter’s life, it wouldn’t be long before she would begin sleeping for longer periods of time, and we would all be able to get some rest.

What I know now.
The first 6 weeks of your baby’s life are hard; there is no way around that! But knowing more about newborn behavior and learning a few coping strategies can make your life a whole lot easier. One thing that makes the first 6 weeks hard is that as new parents, we have visions of this perfect, quiet baby smiling up at us or sleeping soundly in her crib. This “perfect baby” rarely exists…at least not for a few more months! Newborns don’t follow any of the “rules.” Their sleep and behavior can be erratic (as will yours, thanks to sleep deprivation and hormones!) Initially newborns wake every 1-2 hours and when they do sleep, most of it is active (dreaming) sleep (see Baby Behavior Basics Part 1), and they are easily wakened. That’s right: it is NORMAL for your newborn to wake every 1-2 hours. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s not fair, but that’s just how newborns are wired. Research shows newborns need to wake up to be healthy. They wake if they are too hot or too cold, hungry, lonely, etc. They need to wake easily so that they can let us know they need our help; how else would we figure that out? Fortunately, all of this waking doesn’t last very long (in the scheme of your life as a parent).

This too shall pass.
Whenever I would get really tired and frustrated I would think to myself: “If I can just make it through these first 6 weeks, things will get better.” And I did make it through, and things did get better…slowly. My daughter finally figured out the difference between day and night (day is for playing, night is for sleeping). She slept for longer stretches and woke up less at night by the time she was about 6-8 weeks old. By about 2 months, she also developed a more predictable nap “schedule;” these “breaks” gave me a chance to get a few things done (like take a shower!)

Get some rest.
After living through those rough first 6-8 weeks, I’ve learned a few ways to cope with the lack of sleep. Hindsight is 20-20, right! Well, at least someone can benefit from what I learned during that sleepless time, though now it is all a bit fuzzy. I’ve also learned quite a bit over the last 2 years working here at the Human Lactation Center and with moms as part of the Baby Behavior Study. As difficult as your baby’s first 6 weeks are, I have discovered a few tried and true ways to help you and your family get some rest…starting now. I'll share these important tips with you next time. Stay tuned...

Do you have a story about sleep deprivation to share? What has helped you deal with lack of sleep while caring for a newborn?

Next Time: Tips from the Trenches: Surviving Sleep Deprivation

Not Rocket Science

Understanding babies isn't rocket science. If it was, human beings never would have survived as a species. As a new parent, you may be thinking, if it isn't hard to figure out what my baby needs, why do I feel so lost? Maybe your baby seems to be fine one minute and screaming the next. Maybe you are wondering how much longer your baby will keep waking up at night. Maybe you wish you knew the secrets that other parents seem to know, especially those parents with the "good" babies who seem so happy all the time. Maybe you've already read magazines and books and bought toys, bags, chairs, slings, videos, and anything else that promises to keep your baby happy. Yet, sometimes your baby is not happy; sometimes the crying and the sleepless nights seem endless.

Parenting is a tough job and sadly, much of the wisdom and support that struggling parents used to get from their own familes has been lost. Expectations for how babies should behave have been distorted by idealized media versions of "perfect" babies and their well-coifed, well-dressed mothers who get rid of their "baby weight" in the first week after their babies are born.

It's time to use a little common sense and readjust our thinking. We can learn a lot from babies and the wonderful research that has been done about them over the last 30 years. In this blog, you'll hear from moms who have been in the trenches (and in the classroom), who understand what you are going through and what your baby is trying to tell you. We look forward to sharing our knowledge and experience with you and we hope that you'll share your ideas and questions with us.