Bringing Your Toddler to Holiday Parties

By Jennifer Goldbronn

Last time, we shared some tips for making it easier for you and your baby to deal with the hustle and bustle of holiday gatherings. What about older babies and toddlers? What can you do to help them stay calm and happy? Here are some ideas to keep in mind.

1. Older babies have great memories! They remember if Aunt Rita always tries to take them away from you for that big hug. Family members are often very excited to see your baby! This can come across a bit scary to a baby that has someone rushing up to them and excitedly clapping or talking to them in a high pitched voice. Babies also remember how their parents reacted to certain family members. If you tense up when Aunt Rita comes running toward you, your baby will see your tension and learn that you think that Aunt Rita is scary too!

2. Toddlers learn about their world by creating scripts in their minds for common occurrences (like bedtime or getting dressed) and by assigning “jobs” to the people in their lives (i.e. every night Dad gives me a bath, mom reads me a story). For people that your baby does not see very often, babies may be more apprehensive with them because they don’t know what their job is.

3. As older babies gain the ability to move away from their caregiver (crawl, walk, etc.), they also develop an instinct that tells them to stay close to their caregiver. This is important for their safety but can also make family gatherings challenging when everyone wants to hold your baby.

Tips for navigating holiday gatherings

Now that you understand why older babies behave the way they do in these types of situations, we want to share some tips to help you through the upcoming holiday season!

·         Explain what you know about your baby and set boundaries with family members. Make sure they give your baby time to warm up first.

·         Watch your own facial expressions and body language. If you are worried that a particular family member will rush up and try to grab her from you before she is ready, your baby will know! You may be nervous or frustrated for other reasons and these feelings show as well. If you enter a party rushed and stressed, your baby will see it in your face and may become upset when introduced to people right away. So, try to smile and relax when introducing your baby to people!

·         Create a routine for when you see family members and talk her your toddler though it. Tell her what she is about to see and do. Your family members might think it is odd, but they will get used to it after a while. For example, whenever you get to a new party, sing the same song before you go in the door and introduce your child to everyone in the same way.

·         Change your expectations. Knowing your baby’s normal development at this age, don’t be surprised if he or she wants to stay near you the whole time! It’s OK! If others want to hold her, have them stay close by so that your baby can still see you. Given time and familiarity, your toddler eventually will calm down and enjoy the party too.

Part 2: Tips to Ease the Transition of Baby into Her Own Room

Charlotte, 5 1/2 months

In our last post, we wrote about current practices and recommendations for sleeping locations of infants. It doesn't matter if you are a first time mom or an experienced mom, or how old your baby is, transitioning your baby into her own room will be an adjustment for the whole family Today, we have a few tips that may help make the process easier!

• As with any transition, change takes time. Don’t expect your baby to fall asleep easily in your room one night and just as easily in his own room the next night. Being patient as your baby gets accustomed to his new space is important!
• Take small steps toward a gradual transition into the new location. For example, if your baby sleeps on a sleep surface other than a crib, like in a bassinet, start by moving your baby’s crib into your bedroom and having him sleep there. After your baby gets used to sleeping in his new crib in your room, then move the crib into his room. Another option is to start the transition by having your baby sleep in his new room for daytime naps only. After that is going well for a while, try having him sleep in his room for bedtime too.
• Keep in mind that any change in routine (and transitioning to a new room is a big one!) can affect your baby’s sleep patterns, potentially causing more night awakenings for a short time.
• Be consistent; older babies like routines! It’s important to be consistent with your baby’s bedtime setting as well as his bedtime routine. For more about routines, click here.
• While you are trying to be consistent, it’s also important to be realistic. Things will happen that will be out of your control. Your baby may get sick and be in your room for a few days until she is feeling better. That’s okay! You can get back to your usual routine when she is back to feeling better.
• It’s not unusual for older infants to wake more than usual once in a while. She may have separation anxiety or be conquering a new physical milestone. For a list of reasons why older babies may wake more sometimes, click here.
• It’s not uncommon for some older babies to resist being placed back to sleep in their cribs after awakening during the night. For an explanation of why this happens, click here. For solutions, click here.
• Wait until your baby is in quiet (deep) sleep before transitioning her from one sleeping place to another, such as from your bed or your arms to a crib. Older babies can enter deep sleep more quickly than younger babies, but always look for signs of deep sleep before lying your baby down to sleep.

We hope this information has been helpful! Making a big change, like moving your baby into her own room, is a big milestone and it is important to do what is best for your family. We’d love to hear your stories and tips about how YOU transitioned your babies into their own rooms too!

Staying Connected While Separated from Your Child

By Taryn Barrette, RD
Though far from an ideal situation, it is becoming more common for caregivers to have career or other obligations that keep them separated from their children for extended periods of time. Whether you are a grandparent living 3000 miles from your granddaughter, a member of the armed forces stationed overseas, or a parent who is required to take frequent business trips, you know the pain that comes from being absent during your child’s day-to-day growth and development. You may worry that you’ll miss some of your child’s most important milestones (like sitting up, walking, talking, or enjoying storybooks) even if you are away for only short periods of time. It is normal to want to be with your growing child and to feel upset by your absence. The good news is that there are ways that you can continue to stay connected to your child during these pivotal times despite being many miles away!

Technology and the Virtual “You”

When you can’t physically be with your child, the second best option is to be there virtually. Services like Skype, Google video chat, and Facebook offer options to video chat from a distance. Video chats allow you to see your baby and for your baby to see and hear you in real time, allowing for “face-to-face” interaction. While adding video may not seem very different from a phone conversation, babies are drawn to visually stimulating images. That means that being able to see his dad or grandma’s face is far more engaging for a baby who can't understand where the voice on the phone is coming from. Toddlers and preschoolers may be more interested in the phone, but they can be difficult to understand. When you can read your child's facial expressions and pick up on subtle cues you see through video, the conversation can be more rewarding for you as well as your child.

If you don’t have access to video, talking to your child on the phone is still a worthwhile option. Just be prepared that you may not have much of a conversation until the child is much older. You might want to try using the phone to sing to your baby or tell a story. Make sure that your child has a picture of you nearby so that your child can make a connection between the voice on the phone and your face.

Sending notes and small gifts can be fun for you and your child. Cards and care packages are exciting for older children and having a photo album or special trinket that your child can hold will remind him of special moments with his long-distance parent or other family member.

Reading To Your Distant Child

Knowing that reading to your child has profound benefits for your child, consider using a video chat service to read to your child. You might need 2 copies of the same book so that you can see the pages as your child sees them. Many classic children’s books can be obtained in paperback for very little money. For those of you who want something a little fancier, we found an organization that offers a way for you to record a video of yourself as you read. A Story Before Bed allows you to purchase a book from their online library and then record yourself reading that book (through the web camera on your computer or mobile device). According to their website, the company is in about half-way through a campaign to donate 250,000 free bedtime stories to military families who have a loved one stationed overseas. There may be other companies that do the same thing.

Helping Your Child Understand More About Your Trip

Traveling is an abstract idea for young children. You can help make the concept more concrete for them by pinpointing your location on a map (on paper or online). If your trip includes multiple destinations, you can use a globe or a large map tacked to the wall to help your child trace the route you are taking directly onto the map. You also might have your child “count down the days” until you return by crossing the days off a calendar or removing items from a bowl containing the same number of objects as the number of days you will be gone. For example, the bowl would have 7 rocks or bean bags if you were going to be gone for a week.

These are just a few ideas to help make necessary separations easier. We’re sure that many of you have discovered other great ways to foster a long-distance relationship with your child. If you have any ideas you would like to share, we would love to hear from you!

Sources and Further Reading:

1. Schachman, K. Online Fathering: The Experience of First-Time Fatherhood in Combat-Deployed Troops. Nursing Research. 2010. 59:1; 11-17.

2. Faure, M., Richardson, A. Baby Sense. New York, NY: Citadel Press, 2006.

Separation Anxiety Part II: Tips to Help Smooth Separation from Your Baby

Last time, we shared some basics about separation anxiety, a common behavior in infants and toddlers. In a nutshell, after the first few months babies will seek to be close to those they know best and will let their parents know (the best way they know how) that they are not happy when they go away. In this post, we’ll share a few tips to help you get through the tough transitions.

1. Avoidance is not the answer.
I know exactly how tough it is to walk away from your baby, especially if she is reaching out to you with a frantic look, tear stained cheeks, and a quivering lower lip. You just want to sweep your baby into your arms and promise you’ll stay. While that might be a short term solution, in the long term, it actually sends your baby the message that validates her fear and tells her that she won’t be safe with anyone else. That’s not good for either of you.

2. “Talk it over” with your baby.
Even if you don’t think that your baby understands your words, you should let your baby know where you are going, how long you will be gone, who she’ll be staying with and what you’ll do together when you get back. An older baby can be reassured by your words while a younger baby will benefit from seeing that you are calm and happy. Keep your explanation short and simple and don’t offer it until right before you leave.

3. Provide something familiar for your baby to keep with her.
Many babies will pick toys, blankets, and other soft objects that they like to keep near them when they are tired or stressed. Maybe your baby has a favorite blanket that she sleeps with. Making sure that your baby has her favorite snuggly along can ease the transition away from you.

4. Prepare your baby’s caregiver.
Make sure that your caregiver understands why your baby may be upset when you leave. Help him or her to see that your baby is likely to need a few minutes of comfort and/or distraction after you leave. With a few soothing repetitive words and actions, your baby will be ready to play in no time!

5. Be ready for a stormy or silent reunion.
While many babies will be excited and happy when their parents come back, don’t be surprised if your baby does not seem to be overjoyed right away, particularly if your separation has been a relatively long one (like overnight). By giving you “the silent treatment” or crying for a few moments, your baby is expressing how much she missed you. By reassuring her that you missed her too and telling her about what you’ve been doing, she’ll get the message that you understand her feelings and that you want to share your experiences with her. When she’s old enough to use words, she’ll be happy to do the same.

Next time: “Secrets” Readers Around the Globe!

References
Nurturing Children and Families: Building on the Legacy of T. Berry Brazelton; Barry Lester and Joshua Sparrow (Eds). Wiley Blackwell, 2010.

Social and Personality Development, David R. Shaffter, Wadsworth, 2005.

Separation Anxiety Part I: Behavior and Biology

Recently, we’ve had a couple of readers ask questions about babies and separation anxiety. In this post, we’ll share the basics about separation anxiety and next time, we’ll offer tips to help you deal with those inevitable separations, including traveling away from your baby.

The Basics

By the time infants are about 6 to 8 months of age, they start to have a much tougher time when their parents leave them. They may fuss, cry, and cling frantically to their parents even when they just look like they might be leaving. This “separation anxiety” peaks when children are between 14 and 18 months of age and is much less noticeable in most kids by the time they are 2 or 3 years old. Typically, anxious babies will cry out for their parents when they are leaving, letting them know how unhappy they are and "calling" them to come back. For many babies, this doesn’t last very long after the parent has left but of course, the parent doesn’t know that, since he or she is no longer there to see the baby calm down. Once the child realizes that the parent is not coming back right away, she will be less frantic but sad and less active for awhile until she recovers and rests, gets distracted, or starts to play again. While the response is likely to be similar at all ages, anxiety reactions in older infants tend to be louder and longer than those in younger infants. For parents, the tear stained cheeks, the outstretched arms, and obvious fear they see in their babies’ eyes are heart wrenching. And nearly every mother has a story about how horrible she felt walking away from her screaming baby, even when she was leaving the baby with someone they both loved and trusted.

The Theories

There are a lot of theories about why babies develop separation anxiety. Some researchers think it is a natural response to the biological need for babies to stay near caregivers, especially as they gain the ability to move away from them by crawling, walking, or running. Other researchers think that babies become afraid when they can’t explain why someone who is usually close to them is not there or when they can't predict when their parents are coming back. Others believe it is a physical reaction to the potential removal of the things that make parenting so calming for the infant (like touch, warmth, and food). Still others see the baby’s reaction to separation as a confirmation of different types of parent-baby attachment.

Differences in Babies’ Reactions

For most parents, why a child becomes anxious when they leave is less important than what to do about it. Unfortunately, nearly all parents must face their babies’ anxiety at some point, especially in families with parents who must return to work or school. Some babies react in extreme ways to separation, while others don’t seem to mind very much. How much babies fuss and cry depends a lot on their temperament and also on their earlier experiences with separation. Understanding that babies' anxiety when parents leave is a natural part of being human can help the caregiver who remains with the baby to feel a little more confident and in control. Clearly, the anxious baby needs comfort. Calm understanding and repetition can go a long way to easing the worst of the fears. A consistent caring response will help the baby learn that he will be quite safe until mom or dad comes back.

Next time: Tips to Help Smooth Separation Anxiety

References
Nurturing Children and Families: Building on the Legacy of T. Berry Brazelton; Barry Lester and Joshua Sparrow (Eds). Wiley Blackwell, 2010.

Social and Personality Development, David R. Shaffer, Wadsworth, 2005.