With so many families traveling and celebrating this time of year, it is not surprising that we see overstimulated babies and toddlers just about everywhere we go. Given that overstimulation can lead to crying in babies and dramatic meltdowns in toddlers, we thought we'd use this post to offer tips for parents hoping to prevent some of the fussing and tantrums so common during busy holiday preparations and parties. For some of you, all of this advice will seem silly. Your babies are able to socialize for long periods of time without showing any signs of stress and when they get tired of it all, they fall peacefully asleep. None of us had one of those babies. So, for the rest of you, we offer the following tips.
There are many holiday celebrations this time of year and babies as well as older children and adults are being showered with gifts. Some of those gifts will become treasured possessions and others will end up being recycled or re gifted. While packaging for toys and other baby products include age guidelines, we thought we would suggest that gift-givers also consider babies' personalities when choosing presents.For Social Babies
Your company is going to be your babies greatest gift so any gift that promotes time together will be well-loved.
This week, Secrets of Baby Behavior turns 18 months old. Since our first post, our readership has grown to more than 6200 visitors per month in more than 100 countries. We wish to thank all of you who have taken the time to post questions or comments. While our readers already know this blog was created as a supportive place for parents and professionals to find research-based information about baby behavior, we thought we would take a moment to explain why we started the Secrets blog all those months ago.
In the first part of this short series on getting help in the early postpartum period, we talked about how to ask for and organize help in those early weeks after your baby is born. In the second part, we shared some ideas about what to do when friends and family who have offered to “help” are making more work for you. In this last post in the series, we’re going to share some ideas about what to do when the help you are offered is incompatible with your ideas of parenting. An example might be a well-meaning grandmother who wants to give your baby “a little brandy” to help you get some sleep. I’m sure you all have been offered advice that you would never take. New parents tend to be barraged by advice. We shared some of examples of the worse advice we’ve received in a previous post.So what would this conversation be like? Maybe something like this: “Hi Sis, thanks so much for coming over, we could really use some help with the house this week. I know you’re excited about that new book but Fred and I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant learning about how to take care of the baby. We know the way we’re doing things takes time (a lot more than 10 minutes a day) but we’re okay with that. I appreciate your offer but I don’t want to read the book. We like to spend time with the baby and we’re lucky to we have you to help with all the rest.”
Be prepared for a little awkwardness or frustration from the person who has offered help and give them time to move on. Things will soon return to normal. We realize that some of you are dealing with more serious situations and complicated relationships. If that’s the case, we again encourage you to reach out for professional help if you find yourself overwhelmed.
We hope that this short series has given you some practical tips to get the help you need. Remember, getting help is important, for you and your growing family.
Next time: Secrets of Baby Behavior is 18 Months Old!
A good resource for tough talks: Stone D, Patton B, Heen S. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Penguin Books, New York 1999 (there is a more recent 10th anniversary edition).
Picture this: Aunt Mimi has taken the long trip from Pittsburgh to “help” in those first few days after you bring your baby home. As she steps through the door, she sniffs at the air, asks how long it’s been since you cleaned your carpets, sits down on the couch, and asks “What’s for dinner?” Later, your sister calls raving about a new book called “Baby Care in Less than 10 minutes per Day.”* She explains she’s excited about trying the "let your baby raise himself" system out on your baby. These are extreme examples but sometimes the “help” you get is no help at all or not the kind you need. In our last post, we offered tips about how to ask for help. Today, we’ll talk about how to deal with family and friends whose “help” ends up to be more work for you (like Aunt Mimi). Next time, we’ll share some tips on what to do when you are offered the kind of help you are better off without (as in our sister example above).What does this look like in action? Maybe something like this: “We’re so glad you’re here Aunt Mimi; there aren’t very many people who understand how much help we need. We have organized a list of friends who have offered to help with errands and chores. They signed up for specific days and times. They’ve been wonderful. Finding the time to make regular meals and do dishes has been impossible. We desperately need your help with meals and dishes for the next few days. You must be tired from traveling. We were thinking of picking something up at the deli for tonight. Tomorrow, I was hoping you’d make some of that great stew you made last time I saw you.”
What if the Problem is your Partner?
Sometimes we find that our biggest challenges are closest to home. We’ve had several posts on the difficulties related to becoming a new parent. When you’re lost in the haze of those first few weeks, it is easy to think that you are the only one who is tired and frustrated. Keeping two things in mind can help you through this tough time. First, no matter how much others love us, they can’t read our minds. Don’t get mad if your partner doesn’t do the dishes because you thought he or she should know you wanted them done. Second, your partner is going through the same adjustments and challenges that you are. Taking care of a baby can be overwhelming emotionally and physically. Under extreme stress, people naturally want to “feel normal again” and get back to familiar routines. So, for example, if you made breakfast every day before the baby came, don’t be surprised if your partner sits down at the table and waits for you to start the coffee, especially after a long stressful night. As frustrating as that may be, don’t get mad. Sit down yourself and talk about how you can trade off making breakfast. Even better, wake Aunt Mimi and ask her to make her famous biscuits.
Don’t forget to ask your partner (out loud) for the kind of help you need. Be open to your partner’s feelings and seek ways to get things done together, recruit others, or let things go. Ideally, you should have a plan in place before your baby is born but it’s never too late to get one started.
Next time: Coping with the Kind of Help that You're Better Off Without
*Note: Don’t get excited; this book does not exist.
Anyone who has read more than a handful of our Secrets posts knows how strongly we believe that all families with newborns need and deserve help. With JenB’s new addition only days away, we've been thinking a great deal about the delicate balance between providing practical support and space for family time. We realized that, for all our rants about the importance of getting help, we hadn’t written a post on how best to get that help. In this short series, we’ll provide some tips to help you get to “the ask” (a concise and complete request for help) without sacrificing your pride or privacy. Today, we’ll share some ideas about how to ask for help effectively. Next time, we’ll help you deal with well-intentioned but misguided friends and family that manage only to make things more stressful.
1. What is the typical newborn’s heart rate?
It's time for another baby quiz! Today, we're focusing on newborns. Let us know your guesses by leaving a comment. We'll post the answers on Friday.
The Human Lactation Center is growing! I am just a few weeks away from having my second baby, another little girl, which, for those of you who are counting, will make 4 Human Lactation Center children under 4 years old and 2 over the age of 20 (5 girls, 1 boy). Because we started this blog just last year, writing about our personal experiences with our newborns has been reflective. Here are some examples: Jen G has written about her experience as a Sleep Deprived Mom and provided Tips for Surviving Sleep Deprivation, and about her Not-so-perfect start to breastfeeding and Breastfeeding after a C-Section. Jane has described what it was like Bringing Home Baby #2 and to be a New Mom with No Mom and I have shared my experience with Premature Labor and Life with a Hospitalized Infant. Although all of these posts provided personal information about our experiences, they were all written long after our children were born.
Last week, a paper called “Infant Feeding Methods and Maternal Sleep and Daytime Functioning” by H.E. Montgomery-Downs and colleagues was published online by the medical journal Pediatrics (www.pediatrics.org). Its surprising findings showed up in newspapers, online news sites, on TV, and in blogs. The purpose of the study was to find out if there were differences in sleep patterns and experience among moms who were exclusively breastfeeding, mixed feeding with both breast milk and formula or only formula feeding. Even though many moms believe that breastfeeding leads to less sleep, the researchers found no difference in sleep experience among the groups, no matter how they measured it.
Welcome back! Today is part 3 in a series that takes us back to the basics of Baby Behavior. Part 1 explained the Reasons Why Babies Don’t Sleep through Night and part 2 explored The Many Moods of Babies. In today’s segment, we’ll discuss infant cues as we look back at Learning and Creating Your Baby’s Special Language.
nd happy no matter what state she’s in.
By Jennifer Goldbronn, RD
In this extended series of posts, we've looked closely at the importance of parents' relationships in babies lives. We've talked about the changes that new babies bring to couples' lives and how dads experience the transition. To end this series, we'll take a look at women's experiences in becoming mothers. Given that there are literally hundreds of studies about moms, we can't possibly do a good job in covering them all. Instead, we'll focus on some of the most common key findings.Dealing with the Fear
Babies are so tiny and they look so fragile, many mothers are worried that they'll make a mistake and somehow hurt their babies. They worry that they won't know if they don't have enough milk, or what to do if their baby gets sick, or if anything else is wrong. Since most new moms find themselves on an emotional roller coaster, the fear that they feel can be extreme. Some mothers question their ability to cope with it all and aren't reassured by their partners telling them "You'll be fine." Anxiety can be a tough thing; new mothers may need to talk about their fears with professionals they trust. Moms in the studies felt better if they knew they could call their health care providers or the one of the hospital nurses whenever they had questions.
A New Normal
I really don't know if anyone can be prepared adequately for life with a newborn. Routines, relationships, and day-to-day activities will need to be replaced with a "new normal" that won't ever be the same as before the baby came along. Many of the moms in the studies wanted to get back to their "normal" lives but they realized fairly soon that wasn't going to happen. Part of their transition to motherhood involved their acceptance of the "new normal."
The idea that you will never go back to what life was like before baby may sound intimidating to those of you still awaiting your special day but we can reassure you that the "new normal" will (eventually)be even better than the old one. Even though both my children are adults, my life is not like it was before they were born and I am thankful for that everyday. While I don't miss the fatigue or the scarier moments, I have thousands of precious memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. We hope that this series has helped shed some light on the challenges of the transition to parenthood. The transition is a rough and rocky road but the rewards are worth the ride. Be sure get some help at home! Help won't make it easy but support from family and friends will make a huge difference, to mom, to dad, and to baby.
Next time: Back to Basics!
References
Barnes et al. Learning about babies: what new mothers want to know. J Perinatal Educ. 2008; 17:3:33-41.
Forster et al. The early postpartum period:Exploring women's views, expectations, and experiences of care using focus groups in Victoria, Australia. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth. 2008; 8:27.
In the first 3 installments of this series, we talked about the joys and challenges of couples’ transition to parenthood. We’ll finish this series with two posts about how this transition differs for men versus women. While most of the studies of early parenthood are focused on moms, recent studies have explored parenting from the dads' perspective. We realize that each father enters parenthood in his own way, but there do seem to be some generalities that come up again and again. In this post, we’ll share a few these findings with you.
Our baby behavior bloggers are on the road this week training and teaching. We'll be continuing our series on parents next week. Have a great weekend!
In the first 2 installments of this series on parents' relationships, we talked about how having a baby can change couples' relationships and then we explained how one research study describes how couples become a family. In this installment, we'll talk about how these charming little beings can wreak such havoc on their parents. In what specific ways must couples change when their newborn comes along?
1. Which of the following countries has the highest average age among moms having their first child? a. Denmark b. France c. Switzerland d. United States
Since we are spending so much time talking about parents, we thought we would have a quiz about them. We'll post the answers on Friday. Feel free to share your guesses by posting a comment.
In the last post, we talked about how parents' relationships with each other can influence their babies' behavior. When parents are frustrated and angry with each other, babies can be affected both by the stressful environment and by their parents' lack of attention to their early cues. We also described how easy it is for new parents to be frustrated, given how hard it is to care for a child, especially those first few unrelenting weeks. In this post, we're going to share a study we found that we think will interest you. We each decided that it described our own experience very well. We'd love to hear what you think.
For those of you living through those exhausting first days and weeks of parenting a newborn, it must be unimaginable to think of yourselves 20 years from now reminiscing about the magic of that first year. “Magic?” you say aloud, “you’ve got to be kidding.” You wonder how I can think that the excruciating fog of unrelenting sleep deprivation, the confusion, the stress, and the overwhelming weight of responsibility can be “magic” for new parents. But I can, and not just because those days are so far behind me. That same first year is filled with exquisite moments that enrich, thrill, strengthen, and change you forever. That first year also has a powerful influence on the “couple” that now must become “parents.” So far, we haven’t talked much about relationships between parents, but we need to, because the relationship that parents have with each other has a strong influence on baby behavior. In this series, we’ll take a closer look at the evolution of couples into their new roles. In this installment, we’ll talk about the influence of parents’ relationship on babies’ lives. Next time, we’ll talk about how parents’ relationships tend to reorganize in the first few weeks and months. After that, we’ll share what’s known about the challenges couples face during the transition to parenthood, and we’ll finish up with what is known about how the process affects men and women differently. In a future series, we’ll take a look at the transition for single parents.
A Guest Post by Taryn Barrette, RD