Learning to Talk Takes a Team Effort

It is amazing how quickly babies change. They grow so fast, learn so much, and gain some control over their bodies so quickly during those first few months. Before you know it, your baby is using words!  Learning to talk becomes one of your baby’s most important jobs as he becomes a toddler.  We’ve shared how babies develop their ability to communicate starting with basic cues and words during the first year that lead to a vocabulary explosion in the second year.

But did you know that you play an important role in your baby’s progress in learning how to talk? Babies don’t learn language on their own, they rely on the people who care for them to help them know what words mean and how and when to use them. Here are some language experts' “lessons learned” from the research on how babies learn to understand and use language.

1. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

Developmental scientists have found that the most important factor influencing a child’s vocabulary is the “language environment.” Babies learn the words that they hear around them (keep that in mind when you stub your toe). Babies first learn the words they hear most often – such as their own names, and words used for clothing items and household objects.  When your baby is able to point to objects, you’ll find that your baby seems to want to play the “name game “all day long. This is a very important process. Not only will your baby point at things for you to name but your baby will look at your face to see how you “feel” about the object.  Your baby is learning a lot more than words; your baby is learning about safety and context and where things and people fit in the world.

2. Babies understand language before they can use it.

For a long time, researchers thought that understanding language occurred much later than it actually does for most babies. That’s because scientists had to rely on tests that required that babies demonstrate some use of language (like naming objects or following directions). But, many babies didn’t do well on the tests because they were still learning to make consistent sounds with their mouths and to control their bodies. Newer tests show that babies can understand many words and even the structure of language far before they can use words to communicate. That means that for a while, you’ll have to play “translator” for your baby, figuring out what she needs and communicating those needs back to her and to others.

3. Learning and using language relies on multiple skills and different parts of babies’ brains.

The use of language (not just words) takes a lot of brain power. Babies need to use their sensory, memory, analytical, motor, and social skills all at once to communicate with the world. That means that many parts of their brains are used when they are learning and using words.  You play a very special role in this process.  Your baby needs you to be on “his team” to make it all happen.  Let your baby explore, hear you talk, see your face, and watch your emotional responses to objects and experiences. Make sure that your baby has plenty of chances to see how you interact with other people in positive ways. Support your baby’s efforts as he tries to communicate with you and others. Take the time to see how your baby uses his whole body and brain to interact with his world. It’s an exciting and fast paced process as your baby will double his usable vocabulary between 18 and 21 months and again from 21 to 24 months.   Go team!

Source:

Hollich G. Early Language. In: Infant Development. 2^nd Edition. Volume 1. Basic Research. JG Bremner and TD Wachs (Eds.). Wiley-Blackwell, 2010.

Divided Attention and Parents' Stress: Part 2

Last time, we let you know about the increased stress that results from “multitasking” or dividing your attention day after day. While we all spend a good part of our days doing two things at once (typing and listening to music for example), the stress comes in when we have two or more tasks that require first our attention and then, processing time. Things that you do so often that you literally do them “without thinking” like navigating around in your own house, don’t count. So, remembering, prioritizing, decision-making, negotiating, evaluating, and learning are all things done best one at a time. You may think that it doesn’t matter (don’t all parents tie shoes, read emails, and prioritize their days by rapidly switching app-like from one task to the next?) but all the processing power needed can leave you drained, making even mundane things seem difficult. No matter how hard you try, focusing and unfocusing on thoughts and tasks will leave some of them in the dust.  Over time, 18 hours a day of multitasking will take its toll on you and your relationships.

A Better Way

Having competing demands is normal and often out of our control, especially for parents! But we can decide how we handle those demands. Knowing that dividing your attention is stressful all by itself, you can take steps to minimize the need to divide your attention. You might think it is impossible given how little time you already have but focusing more often on one thing at a time will make you less stressed and more efficient.

Let’s do that morning again, this time actively working to focus on one thing at a time.

You know you have an important meeting and you find yourself thinking about it when you wake up. Because you know your kids will need your full attention, you take a few minutes to write down all the thoughts you have about the meeting on a notepad you always keep by your bed. You answer the texts you have received as best you can while letting your co-workers know that you will not be answering any more texts for 40 minutes (or however long you need). Your spouse asks you about adding the trip to the gardening shop to your errands and you ask that he or she send a text  reminding you to add it to the list you already have in your phone. You hear your preschooler wake up and you silence your phone before you walk in his room and start your morning routine. Because he has all of your attention (until the baby wakes a few minutes later) and you are following your normal morning routine, there is no tantrum, and you have a chance to pick out an outfit together while you talk about how many days are left before Halloween.  When you are ready to go (feeling calm but busy), you grab your notes and pick up your keys in the special dish set out for that purpose on the counter and head out the door. After you get both kids safely into the car, you stand outside your car for a moment and check your texts and messages, answering only the most urgent and letting your boss and your co-workers know that you are on your way (on time).

A fantasy? No. None of this is any harder than what you already do. The difference is that you chose to focus only on one thing at a time. You can so this by making 3 simple changes.

1.  Proactively make multitasking unnecessary. Instead of quickly switching from one thing to another, consciously divide your time based on your immediate priorities. Let others know what you are doing and why. They can learn from your example. Remember, your full attention (even for a limited time) is a powerful way to help your children live happier and healthier lives.
2. Whenever possible, don’t rely on your memory. Retrieving memories on the run will divide your attention. Instead, take notes, make lists, and ask for reminders.  Choose to keep the most important objects (like keys, purses, wallets, cellphones) and notes in the same place so that you won’t be distracted by wondering where they are.
3. Follow routines whenever you can. Remember, things that you do so often that you don’t have to think about them require very little processing energy so you can focus on important things, like counting the days to Halloween. We’ve already shared a lot of reasons why routines are good for babies but routines can make life less stressful for you too!

None of these steps require any money or extra time. But taking them can make a big difference in your stress level and your life.

References

1. Nebel, K et al. On the neural basis of focused and divided attention. Cognitive Brain Res 2005; 5: 760-776.
2. Petrac DC et al. Differential relationship of recent self-reported stress and acute anxiety with divided attention performance. Stress 2009; 12: 313-319.
3. Wetherell MA and Carter K. The multitasking framework: The effects of increasing workload on acute psychobiological stress reactivity. Stress Health 2013; epub, ahead of print.

Divided Attention and Parents’ Stress: Part 1

The world we live in demands that we are constantly connected to our electronic networks for news, work, friends, and the latest trends on Twitter. We don’t just need to know…we need to know now. Parents, especially those with young children, also have to be constantly aware of their children in small ways (“don’t touch, that’s hot!) and big ways (“will she like the new babysitter?”). The divided attention needed to stay on top of everything seems to be no longer a choice for parents and has become a normal part of life. “Multitasking” is an expectation, and for most people, a source of significant stress. In the past, media messages and employers asserted that the human brain is limitless and that people, especially women, can manage a lot more work “simply” by multitasking (doing tasks simultaneously or switching back and forth between tasks very quickly). But, the latest research has demonstrated that multitasking has its price, in less focus, accuracy, and creativity, as well as increased stress.

You may be wondering why I’m bringing this up in a blog about babies.

If you are a Secrets reader, you are interested in understanding more about your baby’s behavior. You might be thinking that knowing more about your little one will help you feel less stressed. But knowing a little more about yourself might be more helpful. You may not be thinking of the ever-present need for divided attention as a source of stress but it is known to be so stressful, scientists use situations that require divided attention to induce stress for experimental purposes.

Here are some of the documented effects of divided attention:

• Increased heart rate and blood pressure
• Perception that common tasks are more difficult to accomplish
• Mood changes
• Interference with the ability to remember things, including future tasks
• Interference with retrieval of memories and reduced accuracy of those memories

What do these effects mean in the real world?

Let’s say you’re late for work because the kids haven’t been very cooperative. The baby might be getting a cold and your preschooler had a tantrum when you told him that he can’t wear his Halloween costume. You have a meeting in the early afternoon and co-workers have been texting you about it since you first woke up. You had planned to run errands on the way home from work and your spouse asks you to make another stop at a gardening shop that you normally like to visit. You’re almost out the door when you realize you can’t find your car keys. You get a call from your boss just as your preschooler disappears into his room. What happens next?

• Your breathing gets a little faster and you feel overwhelmed and even a little sick
• Anything your boss asks about seems out of line
• You resent your spouse for asking you to run his or her errands when you already have too many of your own (even though you can’t seem to remember what those errands are)
• You feel overly frustrated with your preschooler for going back into his room. After all, he “should know” you need to leave
• You are certain that you left your keys on the counter and can’t imagine any other place that they can be (even though you put them on the hall table without thinking earlier in the morning)

Does any of that sound familiar? Put sleep deprivation in the picture and everything gets worse. It may seem that there is nothing you can do about this but there is! A few changes and you can make even the busiest morning less stressful. In part  2, we'll share these changes. In the meantime, take a deep breath and try to relax!

References

1. Nebel, K et al. On the neural basis of focused and divided attention. Cognitive Brain Res 2005; 5: 760-776.
2. Petrac DC et al. Differential relationship of recent self-reported stress and acute anxiety with divided attention performance. Stress 2009; 12: 313-319.
3. Wetherell MA and Carter K. The multitasking framework: The effects of increasing workload on acute psychobiological stress reactivity. Stress Health 2013; epub, ahead of print.

Sharing Our Babies and Lives Online: It's Best to Think Before You Click

I took this picture of my baby girl, Charlotte, with my phone while we were walking through the mall last weekend. About 30 seconds later, thanks to my smartphone and the mall’s free Wi-Fi, I had uploaded it to my Facebook page and shared it with all my friends and family. When I got home that afternoon, I started thinking about how much has changed since I was a child. Back then, (oh no…am I old enough to say ‘back then’?) the process of sharing photos with grandma in another city was much more complicated. You had to have film in the camera, finish the whole roll before taking it to a store to get developed, wait for the prints to be made and hope they turned out well.

As a mom with 2 young children, I am so grateful that technology lets me share so much with my friends and family who we don’t get to see often. Email, social networking sites, photo- and video-sharing sites, and blogs have allowed me to stay close to friends who I haven’t seen in person in years. Sometimes, though, I worry about how much information I am putting onto the internet and what happens to that information once I hit enter. The idea of others (who I don't know) having access to information about my kids is a little scary, so I try to be as careful as possible. Here are a few tips that have made me more comfortable about how and what I share online:

·         Know the privacy policies. I have to admit that following this advice hasn’t always been easy for me. Privacy policies seem to be constantly changing and the idea of reading the fine print isn’t something most people have time to do. Even though it can be frustrating, knowing what businesses and providers will be doing with your personal information is important.

·         Check your settings. The social networking and blogging sites have various privacy settings that allow you to limit who can see what you post.  By being familiar with the available settings, you can make an informed decision about how much and with whom you share your personal information.

·         Think before you post. Even when you are aware of the privacy policies and have gone through and chosen your ideal settings, it’s important to remember that posting things on the internet isn’t the same as having a conversation or sharing a photo album with a friend. Once it is posted, you lose a lot of control over who sees it. For example, even when your settings specify that only people you know can view your information, you have no control over what those people do with what is shared. For example, on Facebook, even when your pictures are set to be shared only with your friends, they can be downloaded and re-shared without your knowledge. The same goes for written information, like a status, email, or blog post.

·         Information can be taken out of context. Kids do crazy things. For example, let’s say your 2 year old crawls into the dryer and your 4 year old runs to tell you. Of course, you hurry to find out what is going on and when you see that he’s ok, you snap a picture to document how silly it is. When you post the picture of the 2 year old in the dryer with the 4 year old laughing in the background, most people will think it’s funny and many other parents will relate to how chaotic your life can be. Unfortunately, others may have a different reaction and may interpret it as bullying. While you can’t control what others think, it is important to consider how your words or pictures come across to others.

I hope you find these tips useful and we'd love to hear from you about your online sharing experiences! Send us a comment!

New Year's Resolutions for Parents

I know that it is cliche to post a list of resolutions this time of year but there is something about the beginning of a new year that entices us to make plans and goals. So, I'll give in and join the thousands of others who have taken up this theme. My twist is a simple one. This list includes the resolutions that I wish all of you to consider.

1. Let go of past mistakes.

Before your baby was born, you probably imagined the type of parent you would be. You pictured yourself perpetually even-tempered, loving, strong, wise, and vigilant. Your child would have the best of everything, every moment of every day. Uh.. oops. That’s not how it works, is it? Sometimes, we find ourselves losing our tempers, needing some space, giving in at the wrong time, or getting distracted just long enough for little exploring fingers to knock something over and make a mess. Trying to be perfect is stressful and not realistic. Every parent makes mistakes. You need to learn from each of yours and move on.

2. Be the best example you can be for your child.

Always remember that your baby is watching you. He is using your behavior to learn about the world and his role in it. You are literally creating his perspective on what is good, what is bad, and how to treat other people. This does not mean that you have to be perfect (see #1) but it means that you have to be aware of what your baby sees and hears. Don’t forget to show him how you deal with your imperfect moments. For example, if he sees you lose your temper, he can also watch you apologize.

3. Take time to play.

Children play to learn. If you are part of your child’s play, you are part of her learning. Playing with your child creates opportunities for magical memories that your child will always look back on. Playtime does not have to be restricted to getting down on the floor at home with toys. Playtime can be in line at the grocery store, taking a walk around the backyard, creating a snow creature on the car, or dancing to school. Finding time for play can be tough when there are so many other pressures in your life but you really need to try. You’ll find that those magical memories won’t be cherished only by your child; they will the ones most cherished by you too.

4. Be grateful for every moment.

If you can’t manage the other resolutions, this is the one you want to keep. I know when you’re sleep deprived or you’ve just accidentally smeared some poop on your cheek, you’re not going to be feeling very grateful. You probably won’t be looking back on your toddler’s very public tantrums as the best moments of your life either. Yes, sometimes the squeals and shrieks at preschool can make you want to scream. But you can’t let the unavoidable annoyances and irritations make you forget the joy, pride, and love that parenting brings. Despite all the challenges, childhood is fleeting, and there is so much to be grateful for.

Our thanks to all of our readers. We’re looking forward to sharing 2012 with you.

The Very Best Baby Gift

Now that the big gift giving holidays are nearly over, some of you have boxes of new toys, games, and super hero jammies pushed back into corners while the favorite gifts (of the moment) are being fully explored. Others have just a few new things unwrapped under the tree or already being worn and played with. As we all settle back into the post holiday routine, we'd like to remind you that there is one gift that your child will cherish more than any other, no matter what his or her age.

There is no greater present you can give a child than your undivided caring interest and attention. Whether you are playing peek-a-boo with a young infant, clapping with joy as your little one takes her first steps, listening with rapt attention to a 3-year-olds' never ending stories, or sharing the triumph of a first successful (if not haphazard) attempt at shoe tying, your loving acceptance and attention will spark memories that will outlast all of the latest gadgets. So, if there wasn't that much money left to spend on gifts this year, you need to know that it really doesn't matter.

Baby science tells us that your presence and affection are the most important gifts your baby will receive. The special moments you share together directly influence how your baby develops, now and in the years to come. So, let the dishes soak and turn the cellphone off, remember how fleeting the stages of your child's life can be and take the time to enjoy each one.

Social Referencing Part 2 - Different Roles for Mom and Dad

Last time, we described "social referencing" behavior in older infants and toddlers. Since babies can't understand all the words that their parents' say, they learn about the world around them by watching the expressions on their parents' faces and listening to the tone of their voices. When mom and dad are happy and relaxed and their voices are soft or sing-song, babies can assume that the new toy is safe and something they will enjoy. When parents' voices are sharp and their faces reflect fear or concern, babies instinctively back off. Scientists that study babies have learned that moms and dads often differ in their interactions with their babies and that these differences influence how babies see the world. In this post, we'll share research about differences in social referencing with moms and dads. BUT, we know that these generalizations don't apply to every family.

Mom as Safe-Haven
Traditionally, women have taken on the bulk of the responsibilities for infant care. That means that for many generations, women have been responsible for feeding, changing, washing, protecting, and soothing their children. As a consequence, many babies and children tend to see their mothers as the "safe-haven" and as the source of daily routines and comfort. Mothers' emotional signals are powerful practical guides for day-to-day dos and don'ts. For example, a mom's strong negative emotions about an object may keep her toddler away from it even when mom leaves the room (don't count on this, though). Mothers tend to be quite protective, limiting babies' play and activity more than many dads would. This makes practical sense, especially if mothers have other children to watch.

Dad as Playmate

When dad is in the room, an infant or toddler will use dad as much as mom as a social reference. Dads tend to be more encouraging of wider exploration and activity than moms. When compared with playing with mom, toddlers play with dad tends to be louder and more physical. Dads tend to try to surprise their babies with new games and activities - leading to more excitement, more laughter, and more tears than when babies play with mom. This kind of play may be related to infants' development of motor skills and exploratory behavior. While looking back at his parents, a baby might see a look of concern on mom's face while dad may look excited and encouraging. Which social reference is more powerful? That would depend on the baby. With more and more dads taking on traditional care giving roles, it would be interesting to try the studies again, to see if playtime changes with dads who are providing more of the basic care for their babies and other children. Maybe some of you already know?  

References

1. Hirshberg LM, Svejda M. When infants look to their parents: I. Infants’ social referencing of mothers compared to fathers. Child Dev 1990; 61: 1175-86.

2. Mumme D, Fernald A, Herrera C. Infants’ responses to facial and vocal emotional signals in a social referencing paradigm. Child Dev 1996; 67: 3219-37.

3. Berger KS. The Developing Person. New York, Worth Publishers, 2003.

4. Carver LJ, Vaccaro BG. 12-month-old infants allocate increased neural resources to stimuli associated with negative adult emotion. Dev Psychol. 2007 Jan;43(1):54-69.

5. Vaish A, Striano T.Is visual reference necessary? Contributions of facial versus vocal cues in 12-month-olds' social referencing behavior. Dev Sci. 2004 Jun;7(3):261-9.

Babies’ Emotional Development: Social Referencing Part I.

Have you noticed when you take your baby to a new place or into a crowd of unfamiliar faces that she spends a lot of time looking at your face as she starts to explore her surroundings? By the time babies can move away from their parents (when crawling is well established around 8 or 9 months), exploration takes on a whole new meaning. As babies enter the world on their own, rather than in mom or dad’s arms, they have more opportunities to get into trouble. Fortunately, at the same time, they start to rely more on their caregivers’ cues (your facial expressions, body language and tone of voice) to determine which games, people, or objects will interest them and which should be avoided. Developmental scientists call this “social referencing” and it is a powerful tool to keep babies safe. In this post, we’ll share some details about this all important process.

Caregivers as Guides

The term “social referencing” is used to describe the moments when babies learn how they should react to unfamiliar objects, people, or events by carefully watching their caregivers’ reactions to these things. The caregiver becomes the “reference” as the baby decides to try the swing or keep away from the barking dog. Most parents will smile and encourage their babies to try swings but pull their babies back with concerned or fearful facial expressions if their babies approach barking dogs. By watching their caregivers, babies can learn what is safe or appropriate and what is not. Babies also gradually learn how best to behave in their specific environments (urban, rural, cold, hot, etc.) and culture (i.e., learning rules and customs). Overall, it’s a great system!

Negative vs. Positive Social Referencing

Scientists have found that caregivers' negative reactions seem to make a more powerful impact on babies than positive ones. This makes sense in that we are more likely to react quickly and dramatically when a baby reaches for an open oven door given that it is very important that the baby learns not to touch that door. Your efforts to get your baby to smile at grandma by using positive facial expressions and encouraging words may not get a strong and immediate response from your baby but consistency is important for your baby’s learning. You might find that your baby looks back at you whenever she sees grandma to make sure that your signals are still positive, at least until grandma becomes so familiar that the quick check is no longer necessary.

Social Referencing and Meal Time

Once you understand social referencing, you can really see how it may be an important part of mealtime when babies are given new foods. Parents all over the world instinctively tell their babies “yummy” (in different languages) and pretend to eat and like mushy baby peas. When you show positive reactions to foods, your baby learns which foods to try. Your negative reactions show baby which foods to avoid. Just keep in mind that the positive reactions don’t work as powerfully as the negative ones. Getting your older infant and toddler to try new foods may take several tries even when you serve them with a big smile and a look of excitement on your face. Alternatively, a strong negative reaction (even an unintended one, say, if you taste a food that is too hot) may stay with your baby for a long time.

Next time: We’ll share how social referencing differs depending on whether the reference is mom or dad.

References

1. Hirshberg LM, Svejda M. When infants look to their parents: I. Infants’ social referencing of mothers compared to fathers. Child Dev 1990; 61: 1175-86.

2. Mumme D, Fernald A, Herrera C. Infants’ responses to facial and vocal emotional signals in a social referencing paradigm. Child Dev 1996; 67: 3219-37.

3. Berger KS. The Developing Person. New York, Worth Publishers, 2003.

4. Carver LJ, Vaccaro BG. 12-month-old infants allocate increased neural resources to stimuli associated with negative adult emotion. Dev Psychol. 2007 Jan;43(1):54-69.

5. Vaish A, Striano T.Is visual reference necessary? Contributions of facial versus vocal cues in 12-month-olds' social referencing behavior. Dev Sci. 2004 Jun;7(3):261-9.

Babies’ Emotional Development: The Power of Synchrony

There is something magical about the very first time that your 3-month-old looks into your eyes and you can see what he is feeling. Your instincts take over and in a fraction of a second, you are looking back at your baby and changing your expression, reflecting the emotion that you see. These moments are some of the most powerful in parents' lives. Few opportunities come along in life that make you feel so connected to another human being. It is in these moments that you and your baby achieve what developmental scientists refer to as "synchrony." The ability to achieve synchrony with caregivers is an important way that babies learn how to express their feelings. In this post, we’ll share some research about how synchrony works.

A Special Relationship

We’ve told you in several posts about the importance of babies' social connection with parents. By the time a baby is 6-weeks-old, she is able to smile and makes noises at nearly everyone she sees. The smiles that she gets in return fill her with excitement and she is rewarded for exploring her world. Sometime around 3-months of age (and you all know that babies develop at their own pace), babies start to focus their efforts for connection on their special caregivers - mothers, fathers, and others who provide their care nearly every day. It is with these caregivers that babies achieve “synchrony.”

Moments of Attunement

Technically, synchrony is described as “a coordinated interaction between caregiver and infant, who respond to each other with split-second timing.” (Berger, 2003) When we use our faces to reflect our babies’ joy, surprise, concern, or sadness, they see and feel the connection between facial expressions and emotions. When we talk to them about what we see (“did the balloon surprise you?), we help them connect their feelings with words. Our instincts will tell us to exaggerate our expressions as we help our babies learn about emotions and our instincts are right! Babies respond better when we make our responses a little bigger than what we see.

The Magic of Play

When your baby was a newborn, he spent much of his alert moments staring at your face and struggling to copy what he saw. Once your baby begins to experience more of his world, it is your turn to be the one to reflect what you see. We’ve already shared how important playtime can be for your baby’s development. Along with the physical and cognitive growth that comes with playing with your baby, playtime can also be the most important time for synchrony. When your baby becomes excited by a new toy, you can use your face and words to show and tell him what he is feeling. The little repetitive games that delight your baby also offer opportunities for connection. Just remember to watch for cues that let you know when your baby is tired or overwhelmed by all the fun. By balancing moments of synchrony with needed breaks from the action, you are helping your baby learn to understand feelings, connections, and that his world is a wonderful and exciting place.

References:

Berger KS. The Developing Person. New York, Worth Publishers, 2003.

Stern DN. The Interpersonal World of the Infant. New York, Basic Books, 1985.

Answers to Mothers’ Concerns in their Babies’ First Month

Last time, we posted the answers to the most common questions mothers had during the first 3 days postpartum (click here for information about wound care, returning to your prenatal figure, and infant feeding). As we noted in the first post in this series, the featured study showed that many of the inquiries moms have during the first 3 days and beyond are very similar, so in today's post we’ll answer the most common concerns of mothers in their babies’ first month.

Baby Behavior

Baby Behavior topped the list of concerns after the first 3 days postpartum. To brush up on your knowledge of normal infant behavior, read our Basics of Baby Behavior series about understanding infant sleep, cues and crying. Newborn behavior can be quite different from that of older babies and can be unpredictable and erratic at times. For specifics about normal newborn behavior, click here. Understanding their babies' behavior makes parents feel more confident that they know what to expect.

Newborn Development

Mothers concerns related to development centered mostly on wanting to know what was normal. In a previous post, we explained how reflexes rule when it comes to newborn development. By 2-4 weeks of age, your baby’s development reaches a whole new level as she becomes more aware of the world around her.

“Mothering” in General

One of the most common questions, even among mothers who had multiple children, was about how to be a “good” mom. This is a tough one; obviously there is not one right answer for this question. However, we definitely recognize the overwhelming responsibility that mothers feel to take care of everything and everyone in the household. The best thing you can do for your new baby is to take time to care for yourself physically and emotionally and to connect with your baby. Remember, that special language you will develop with your baby takes practice, but responding to your babies needs will help you develop a relationship of trust and understanding. That sounds like the foundation of “good” parenting to me! To explore study findings about new motherhood, click here.

Meeting the Demands of Everyone at Home

If caring for a newborn baby in itself wasn’t a full-time job, try factoring in caring for other children, your spouse, household chores, and (don’t forget) yourself! We think that learning the art of asking for help, when you need it, can be an important tool. Remember to be realistic and proactive when asking for help and realize you are not alone. Keep in mind the old adage: It “takes a village” to raise a child, and pick up the phone.

Siblings and Sibling Reactions

It's not surprising that adding a new sibling into the mix is not only a big concern for parents but also for the siblings themselves. In an earlier post, we talked about the best way to introduce siblings to "their" new baby. Every child will react differently, but most children respond well to advanced preparation and like to know exactly what to expect when the new addition arrives. Remember that your family is adjusting to the new baby just as much as your new baby is adjusting to you!

If you have any other questions or concerns you would like to have known about during your first month postpartum – we would love to hear from you!

Getting the Help You Need Part 3. Dealing with Help that You are Better Off Without

In the first part of this short series on getting help in the early postpartum period, we talked about how to ask for and organize help in those early weeks after your baby is born. In the second part, we shared some ideas about what to do when friends and family who have offered to “help” are making more work for you. In this last post in the series, we’re going to share some ideas about what to do when the help you are offered is incompatible with your ideas of parenting. An example might be a well-meaning grandmother who wants to give your baby “a little brandy” to help you get some sleep. I’m sure you all have been offered advice that you would never take. New parents tend to be barraged by advice. We shared some of examples of the worse advice we’ve received in a previous post.

Remember, we are focusing on situations and people in your life who are trying to help you, even if the advice they are offering is just...bad. For example, in the last post, we made up a story about a sister who has called bubbling with excitement about a book called “Baby Care in Less than 10 Minutes Per Day” based on the premise that babies can raise themselves (without help from adults). Far-fetched I know, but we used this example because, with all the baby-care books on store shelves, we assumed some of you may have been experienced a situation something like this.

When you find yourself needing to disagree with people who think they are helping you, keep the following in mind:

• Pick your battles. If the person is a stranger, only visiting for a short time, or has little contact with you or your baby, you can get away with a non-committal “we’ll keep that in mind” and move on. If the “helper” is staying while, will be visiting frequently, or is someone who is close to you, you will find yourself needing to have “a talk.”
• You have the right to your position; you are the parent. The responsibility of caring for your baby, however daunting, is ultimately yours.
• Don’t avoid or skate around the important issues. Be honest and clear.
• Don’t let the person confuse the disagreement over their advice with your relationship. Whether or not you choose to read your sister’s book does not affect how much you love her.
• Providing a reason for your position can be helpful but you do not need to criticize or persuade the person to agree with your view. You need only to make it clear that you respectfully disagree.

So what would this conversation be like? Maybe something like this: “Hi Sis, thanks so much for coming over, we could really use some help with the house this week. I know you’re excited about that new book but Fred and I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant learning about how to take care of the baby. We know the way we’re doing things takes time (a lot more than 10 minutes a day) but we’re okay with that. I appreciate your offer but I don’t want to read the book. We like to spend time with the baby and we’re lucky to we have you to help with all the rest.”

Be prepared for a little awkwardness or frustration from the person who has offered help and give them time to move on. Things will soon return to normal. We realize that some of you are dealing with more serious situations and complicated relationships. If that’s the case, we again encourage you to reach out for professional help if you find yourself overwhelmed.

We hope that this short series has given you some practical tips to get the help you need. Remember, getting help is important, for you and your growing family.

Next time: Secrets of Baby Behavior is 18 Months Old!

A good resource for tough talks: Stone D, Patton B, Heen S. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Penguin Books, New York 1999 (there is a more recent 10th anniversary edition).

Getting the Help You Need Part 2. What to Do When Your “Help” Isn’t Helpful

Picture this: Aunt Mimi has taken the long trip from Pittsburgh to “help” in those first few days after you bring your baby home. As she steps through the door, she sniffs at the air, asks how long it’s been since you cleaned your carpets, sits down on the couch, and asks “What’s for dinner?” Later, your sister calls raving about a new book called “Baby Care in Less than 10 minutes per Day.”* She explains she’s excited about trying the "let your baby raise himself" system out on your baby. These are extreme examples but sometimes the “help” you get is no help at all or not the kind you need. In our last post, we offered tips about how to ask for help. Today, we’ll talk about how to deal with family and friends whose “help” ends up to be more work for you (like Aunt Mimi). Next time, we’ll share some tips on what to do when you are offered the kind of help you are better off without (as in our sister example above).

Handling Challenging Conversations

Before we go any further, please note that we’re going to assume that all of the people we’re talking about here are well-intentioned if also a bit misguided. If you are dealing with people who are trying to belittle or berate you, it is best to discuss the situation with your doctor or therapist.

Most of us shy away from challenging or emotional conversations. Confronting Aunt Mimi is particularly tough because you do need her help and you don’t want to insult her. Here are some tips to get you started.

• Know what you want. Think specifically about what you want to happen after your conversation is over, the more concrete the better. For example, it is too vague to ask for “more help.” It is much better to ask Aunt Mimi to “do the cooking and dishes for the next 3 days.” Remember, Aunt Mimi is not volunteering to be your servant and she should not be expected to do all the household chores you and your partner did before the baby came. If all of those chores matter to you, recruit more help.
• Focus on the present need. Think hard about what is the most important thing you need to say and say it first. If you need Aunt Mimi to help with the dishes, don’t be concerned about her comment about your carpets. Let it go. Start from the present moment and move forward. Worry about the rest after things are a little easier.
• Don’t wait. If Aunt Mimi’s behavior is making you mad, don’t wait until there is an emotional scene. It is best to get things out in the open as soon as things start going in the wrong direction.

What does this look like in action? Maybe something like this: “We’re so glad you’re here Aunt Mimi; there aren’t very many people who understand how much help we need. We have organized a list of friends who have offered to help with errands and chores. They signed up for specific days and times. They’ve been wonderful. Finding the time to make regular meals and do dishes has been impossible. We desperately need your help with meals and dishes for the next few days. You must be tired from traveling. We were thinking of picking something up at the deli for tonight. Tomorrow, I was hoping you’d make some of that great stew you made last time I saw you.”

What if the Problem is your Partner?

Sometimes we find that our biggest challenges are closest to home. We’ve had several posts on the difficulties related to becoming a new parent. When you’re lost in the haze of those first few weeks, it is easy to think that you are the only one who is tired and frustrated. Keeping two things in mind can help you through this tough time. First, no matter how much others love us, they can’t read our minds. Don’t get mad if your partner doesn’t do the dishes because you thought he or she should know you wanted them done. Second, your partner is going through the same adjustments and challenges that you are. Taking care of a baby can be overwhelming emotionally and physically. Under extreme stress, people naturally want to “feel normal again” and get back to familiar routines. So, for example, if you made breakfast every day before the baby came, don’t be surprised if your partner sits down at the table and waits for you to start the coffee, especially after a long stressful night. As frustrating as that may be, don’t get mad. Sit down yourself and talk about how you can trade off making breakfast. Even better, wake Aunt Mimi and ask her to make her famous biscuits.

Don’t forget to ask your partner (out loud) for the kind of help you need. Be open to your partner’s feelings and seek ways to get things done together, recruit others, or let things go. Ideally, you should have a plan in place before your baby is born but it’s never too late to get one started.

Next time: Coping with the Kind of Help that You're Better Off Without

*Note: Don’t get excited; this book does not exist.

Getting the Help You Need Part 1. The Art of “The Ask”

Anyone who has read more than a handful of our Secrets posts knows how strongly we believe that all families with newborns need and deserve help. With JenB’s new addition only days away, we've been thinking a great deal about the delicate balance between providing practical support and space for family time. We realized that, for all our rants about the importance of getting help, we hadn’t written a post on how best to get that help. In this short series, we’ll provide some tips to help you get to “the ask” (a concise and complete request for help) without sacrificing your pride or privacy. Today, we’ll share some ideas about how to ask for help effectively. Next time, we’ll help you deal with well-intentioned but misguided friends and family that manage only to make things more stressful.

As is true of many of her pragmatic and independent peers, JenB is not one to ask for help lightly, but she is more than willing to seek support when it is needed. Naturally organized, she and her husband set up their primary and back-up support systems early in the pregnancy. We encourage all expectant parents to do the same. As we’ve explained in an earlier post, taking care of a baby is a full time job, leaving little time for anything else. Friends and family can step in to help with the following necessities:

• Running errands


• Preparing meals and snacks


• Grocery shopping


• Household chores


• Taking other children on walks or to the park


• Sharing ideas and providing emotional support


• Pet care


• Outdoor/garden care


• Driving (especially if mom has a c-section)


• Being “on call” in case something comes up

With all this need, asking for help can be a little intimidating. You may be wondering how you can make “the ask” something that sounds reasonable. Here are a few ideas.

Be proactive
Don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, and things are out of hand. Make a plan while you’re still fully functional to keep things on track. It’s much easier to mow a lawn with only a couple weeks of growth, to clean a kitchen with only one load of dirty dishes, and to walk a dog that has been outside every day.

Be realistic

Our closest friends and family are wonderful sources of support and we feel comfortable leaning on those we love. But, before we ask for their help, we need to think hard about their lives and other responsibilities. Divide your requests among as many people as is practical, matching each request to the appropriate amount of time and effort that makes sense for each person. If you’re lucky enough to have a relative who can take off work and visit you, they can take on a lot of tasks but they’ll need a break once in awhile. Your busy friends can bring over a meal or drop off some groceries they picked up when they were shopping for themselves. Your neighbor can walk your dog or mow the lawn.

Be specific
Whenever you need others to pitch in to help, it is always best to be very specific about what you need. When someone offers to help, instead of asking for “help with meals,” ask for “something simple for dinner on Wednesday.” Tasks seem a lot more reasonable when they are clearly described.

Be organized
If you are fortunate enough to have many offers of help (and we certainly hope you do!), you’ll want to keep tasks and helpers organized so that you don’t end up with redundancies, confusion, or way too much food! You can easily make a grid on paper or in a spreadsheet with chores/tasks down the side and days of the week across the top. You can use the list above to get you started. Let friends and family sign up themselves or get one of them to organize the group for you.

I know that asking for help can be tough but you’ll find that even a few tasks taken off your list can make a big difference. You’ll find that most people will want to help. Many of your loved ones understand how exhausting those first weeks are and they’ll want to make things easier for you, if not for the joy of giving, then maybe because they know you’ll “owe them one” when it is their turn.

Next time: Part 2: Coping with “Help” that Isn’t Helpful

And Baby Makes Three - Part 5: The Rocky Road to Becoming A Mother

In this extended series of posts, we've looked closely at the importance of parents' relationships in babies lives. We've talked about the changes that new babies bring to couples' lives and how dads experience the transition. To end this series, we'll take a look at women's experiences in becoming mothers. Given that there are literally hundreds of studies about moms, we can't possibly do a good job in covering them all. Instead, we'll focus on some of the most common key findings.

The Realities of Recovery

While many mothers in the studies learned about childbirth by taking classes or asking questions, few moms were ready for those first few days home from the hospital. Muscles ache, stitches hurt, exhaustion sets in, and going to the bathroom becomes something to dread. Some moms are also dealing with nausea, incision pain, nasty headaches, and wild mood swings. Don't be surprised if you feel very emotional during those first few days, it is common for new moms to feel that way, but if you feel out of control of those emotions, you should talk to your doctor.

Feeling the Weight of Responsibility

Many new moms feel that they are responsible for the bulk of the baby care and still expected to meet everyone else's needs too - partners, other kids, friends, family and pets! The weight of all that responsibility can be overwhelming. It is interesting that many of the moms in the studies asked their health care providers how to manage all the responsibility rather than how to get more support. Secrets readers know that we think all moms should ask for help from family and friends so that they can get the time they need for their own physical recovery and to connect with their babies. Even the most independent and organized mom can't multitask enough to make those exhausting first few weeks easy; moms need help. It would be better for moms to use their organizational abilities to make a nice chore chart to share with helpful friends and family. These days, so many moms think they'll be able to go back to their regular routines in a short time - unfortunately, babies can't cooperate with any of moms' plans until they are older.

Dealing with the Fear

Babies are so tiny and they look so fragile, many mothers are worried that they'll make a mistake and somehow hurt their babies. They worry that they won't know if they don't have enough milk, or what to do if their baby gets sick, or if anything else is wrong. Since most new moms find themselves on an emotional roller coaster, the fear that they feel can be extreme. Some mothers question their ability to cope with it all and aren't reassured by their partners telling them "You'll be fine." Anxiety can be a tough thing; new mothers may need to talk about their fears with professionals they trust. Moms in the studies felt better if they knew they could call their health care providers or the one of the hospital nurses whenever they had questions.

A New Normal

I really don't know if anyone can be prepared adequately for life with a newborn. Routines, relationships, and day-to-day activities will need to be replaced with a "new normal" that won't ever be the same as before the baby came along. Many of the moms in the studies wanted to get back to their "normal" lives but they realized fairly soon that wasn't going to happen. Part of their transition to motherhood involved their acceptance of the "new normal."

The idea that you will never go back to what life was like before baby may sound intimidating to those of you still awaiting your special day but we can reassure you that the "new normal" will (eventually)be even better than the old one. Even though both my children are adults, my life is not like it was before they were born and I am thankful for that everyday. While I don't miss the fatigue or the scarier moments, I have thousands of precious memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. We hope that this series has helped shed some light on the challenges of the transition to parenthood. The transition is a rough and rocky road but the rewards are worth the ride. Be sure get some help at home! Help won't make it easy but support from family and friends will make a huge difference, to mom, to dad, and to baby.

Next time: Back to Basics!

References

Barnes et al. Learning about babies: what new mothers want to know. J Perinatal Educ. 2008; 17:3:33-41.

Forster et al. The early postpartum period:Exploring women's views, expectations, and experiences of care using focus groups in Victoria, Australia. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth. 2008; 8:27.

And Baby Makes Three - Part 4: The Realities of Becoming a Dad

In the first 3 installments of this series, we talked about the joys and challenges of couples’ transition to parenthood. We’ll finish this series with two posts about how this transition differs for men versus women. While most of the studies of early parenthood are focused on moms, recent studies have explored parenting from the dads' perspective. We realize that each father enters parenthood in his own way, but there do seem to be some generalities that come up again and again. In this post, we’ll share a few these findings with you.

Lost in the Shuffle

Many fathers reported feeling left out of the picture during their partners’ pregnancies. Visits to the doctor or midwife were centered on the mother’s condition and feelings and many dads felt there wasn’t time to get their own questions answered. Prenatal and childbirth classes weren’t much help either because very little time was spent on topics directly related to being a father. Support from friends and family tended to be focused on the mom's needs as if she would be the only one affected by the birth of the baby. While dads wanted to support their partners, they felt that little useful information or advice was offered to them.

Dealing with Reality

Just as many mothers anticipate what their babies will be like, fathers spend much of pregnancy imagining their new lives with a newborn. The babies in parents' dreams are often nothing like the real thing. Many men have little experience caring for babies and some new fathers know almost nothing about newborns or how to care for them. Fathers in the studies reported feeling frustrated because they wanted their babies and partners to be happy yet they didn't have the skills to be much help. Dads were overwhelmed by the work needed to take care of babies and the sudden radical changes in their relationships with their partners. They relied on trial and error, friends, and their partners to help them build their confidence as new dads. Over time, they learned how to recognize and address their babies' needs. Despite their new abilities, many of the dads found that their efforts weren't recognized by friends, family, or professionals. They were still seen as the "second string" when it came to parenting and the lack of recognition of their importance in their babies' lives was a big source of frustration.

Building a Bond

In the 1960s (of Mad Men fame), the stereotypical man went back to work the day after his baby was born and accordingly, he had very little to do with his child until he bought him/her a basketball as an 8th birthday present. Those days are long gone. Most of today’s fathers want to play an active role in their children’s lives. Dads in the studies enjoyed spending time with their newborns and feeling that they were providing the care their babies needed, especially when their babies were able to respond by calming down or smiling back at them. Dads sometimes thought that feeding was the only way to bond with babies and some fathers of breastfeeding babies reported being disappointed that they had to “wait” to bond with their babies until breastfeeding was over. Of course, Secrets readers know that feeding is only part of parents’ connections with babies. Dads who understand baby behavior can play a powerful role (no matter how their babies are fed) as the “translator” of their babies' “language” (especially for sleepy and sore new moms) while providing a consistent source of love and comfort to their babies.

Building baby care skills helped fathers in the studies feel more confident, connected, and in control. They learned how to support and protect their new families through trial and error, from other dads, and reading. We know we have dad-readers out there and we hope that you’ll share your questions with us. Let us know what’s confusing you; we’re here to help.

Next time: And Baby Makes Three - Part 5: The Rocky Road to Becoming a Mother

References
Goodman JH. Becoming an involved father of an infant. JOGNN 2005; 34: 190-200.
Deave T, et al. Transition to parenthood: the needs of parents in pregnancy and early childhood. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth 2008; 8:30.

And Baby Makes Three Part 3- The Challenge of Change

In the first 2 installments of this series on parents' relationships, we talked about how having a baby can change couples' relationships and then we explained how one research study describes how couples become a family. In this installment, we'll talk about how these charming little beings can wreak such havoc on their parents. In what specific ways must couples change when their newborn comes along?

A New Orbit

When two people are at the start of their relationship with each other, they tend to feel as if they are the center of their own universe. They sneak away to their own special places, develop inside jokes, and smile secretly to each other among friends about shared experiences. Even during pregnancy, couples plan, fret, and dream together. Then, quite suddenly, the couple finds that their universe has shifted, they have a new orbit and this one, revolves around the baby. This reorientation can be tough at first but it doesn't take long before new routines fall into place. Children are an incredible source of inside jokes and shared experience - your new orbit will feel just as comfortable as the old one. You just need to give it some time.

No Solid Ground

Even if pre-baby couples felt confident in every other aspect of their lives, they often feel lost when it comes to the new baby. They recognize that the baby is so vulnerable but sometimes feel unsure about how to help when the baby is unhappy. We hope that our "secrets" are helping you feel confident that you understand what your baby needs, even if we can't help you catch up on all that lost sleep!

So Much to Do and So Little Time

Caring for tiny new babies takes an enormous amount of work. Feedings, diaper changes, baths, dressing, calming, and playing all take time. Using some very unscientific methods, we estimated that the average couple spends about 9 hours a day (24 hours) caring for their newborn - 300 minutes feeding, 45 minutes with diaper changes and cord care, 160 minutes calming (only at the peak of fussiness in the first 6 weeks), and 40 minutes playing and interacting. These activities don't include household chores, eating, showers, visiting, doctors' appointments, being with each other, and oh yes, sleeping. The baby will sleep 13-14 hours per day (in spurts of course). Let's say you manage to sleep 12 hours in bits and pieces, that leaves you about 3 hours per day for everything you did before you had the baby. So, when you feel like you have no time to get anything done, you're right! Things do get better as parents get more efficient and as babies get older and easier to care for, but those first few weeks are overwhelming.

Moving at Snails' Pace

Just when couples have more to do than they ever had in their lives, they find that even the smallest things, like going to the grocery store, takes forever. Going anywhere with the baby means packing and repacking, and checking and rechecking, using the unfamiliar car seat, the ever-jamming stroller, and everyone who knows you will want to stop and say hello (and tell you crazy stories about their own birth and newborn experiences). Unfortunately, it takes a long time before you feel like you can go anywhere quickly. With toddlers, the whole world slows even more (I used to like that!). But you can reduce your stress if you just plan for the time, including the time needed to deal with the big diaper blow out just as you get everyone settled in the car.

New Parents Need New Ways to Communicate

New parents may not believe me, but all the knowing smiles, the laughter, and the fun will come back, but while you're struggling through the early weeks, you need to be very careful with each other. When it was just the two of you, you may have thought that you could read each others' minds but don't assume that you can do that when the baby is young. You're both going to feel unsure, tired, and overwhelmed so you need to find new and direct ways to communicate your needs.

For those of you who have "been there" - we'd love to hear from you about your big changes and especially what you think of our 9 hour workload estimate! Let us know by leaving a comment.

Next time: And Baby Makes Three Part 4: How the Adjustment to Parenthood Differs for Women vs. Men

References
Fowles ER, Horowitz JA. Clinical Assessment of Mothering During Infancy. JOGNN 2006; 35: 662-670.

Deave T et al. Transition to Parenthood: The Needs of Parents in Pregnancy and Early Parenthood. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth 2008; 8:30.

And Baby Makes Three Part 2- Parents' Early Relationships: Chaos, Retreat, and Reorganization

In the last post, we talked about how parents' relationships with each other can influence their babies' behavior. When parents are frustrated and angry with each other, babies can be affected both by the stressful environment and by their parents' lack of attention to their early cues. We also described how easy it is for new parents to be frustrated, given how hard it is to care for a child, especially those first few unrelenting weeks. In this post, we're going to share a study we found that we think will interest you. We each decided that it described our own experience very well. We'd love to hear what you think.

The Evolution of Parents' Interdependence

In a study published in the Journal of Family Nursing (2007), Linda Bell and colleagues at the Universite de Sherbrooke in Montreal studied family relationships in the first 4 months after the birth of the couples' first child. While the study was small (18 low-risk families), all of the parents consented to detailed interviews (60-90 minutes long) when their babies were 1 week, 6, weeks, and 16 weeks old. Mothers and fathers were interviewed separately. We think having these interviews take place at such pivotal ages was brilliant and the story told by the researchers hit home for all of us. Their findings describe how family relationships evolve, focusing on parents' experiences and perspectives at each time point.

Week 1: Chaos

In the first week, parents were confused, stressed, trying to understand and relate to their babies. They ended up in survival-mode, trying to find ways to get through each day. The mothers talked about struggling to figure out how to keep baby happy and dads talked more about being fascinated with their babies' physical appearance ("he looks like us") and abilities. Because both parents were so confused about what to do with the baby, they relied on each other to help them guess what was best. They tried as best they could to "be on the same page" and work together to make sense of things. Neither parent had a set "role" or job.

Week 6: Retreat and Regroup

By the time the baby was 6 weeks old, parents had "figured out" their roles. Each parent could describe how they separately related to the baby. Parents (through negotiations or established routines) had developed "jobs" that belonged to them. Interestingly, moms tended to take on more jobs that involved direct infant care (not just feeding) and dads tended to have jobs that were more supportive or protective. Most of the dads in the study worked outside the home and it is likely that this separation made a difference in the outcomes. When discussing family relationships, the parents talked a lot about their new relationships with the baby but very little about their own relationship - as if the baby's needs had pulled them apart.

Week 16: Family Reorganization

As the babies reached 4 months of age, the parents were far more likely to see their family as a "unit" working together. The "couple" had reformed and parents realized that their relationships with the baby were different, but complementary. Out of all the chaos and struggle, they discovered common goals and ways to reassure each other. Since their babies were old enough to interact and play with both parents, moms and dads were able to develop individual relationships with their babies while building a sense of themselves as a family unit. The parents also rediscovered each other.

Happy ending, eh? While we know that this kind of harmony doesn't come quickly to every couple, we all remembered this evolution exactly as the authors described it. We hope that this study (and our perspective) offers hope to all of you who are still in those first few weeks wondering how you'll ever be able to manage it all. You will. You'll be pros in no time. Remember, talk things over, keep your sense of humor, ask for and accept help.

For those of you beyond those early months, let us know if your experience was like ours. We'd love to hear from you.

Next time: And Baby Makes Three Part 3- The Challenge of Change

Reference: Bell, L. et al. Mother' and Fathers' Views of the Interdependence of Their Relationships with their Infant: A Systems Perspective on Early Family Relationships. Journal of Family Nursing 2007; 13: 179-200.

And Baby Makes Three, How Couples Become Parents Part 1

For those of you living through those exhausting first days and weeks of parenting a newborn, it must be unimaginable to think of yourselves 20 years from now reminiscing about the magic of that first year. “Magic?” you say aloud, “you’ve got to be kidding.” You wonder how I can think that the excruciating fog of unrelenting sleep deprivation, the confusion, the stress, and the overwhelming weight of responsibility can be “magic” for new parents. But I can, and not just because those days are so far behind me. That same first year is filled with exquisite moments that enrich, thrill, strengthen, and change you forever. That first year also has a powerful influence on the “couple” that now must become “parents.” So far, we haven’t talked much about relationships between parents, but we need to, because the relationship that parents have with each other has a strong influence on baby behavior. In this series, we’ll take a closer look at the evolution of couples into their new roles. In this installment, we’ll talk about the influence of parents’ relationship on babies’ lives. Next time, we’ll talk about how parents’ relationships tend to reorganize in the first few weeks and months. After that, we’ll share what’s known about the challenges couples face during the transition to parenthood, and we’ll finish up with what is known about how the process affects men and women differently. In a future series, we’ll take a look at the transition for single parents.

Three’s a Crowd
These days, it is not uncommon for couples to have lived together several years before they have a baby together. This early "pre-baby" time together can help each partner to mature and to grow more secure in themselves and in each other. With or without "pre-baby" time, most couples build routines and expectations based on what they’ve learned about each other and many become set in their ways. And then baby comes along with overwhelming needs and built-in stress inducers such as their ability to cry and their lack of ability to sleep very long. Few first-time parents are prepared for the effort required in those first few weeks and many parents feel that their partner just isn't doing enough to help. Communication breaks down, stress and exhaustion take over; intimacy flies out the window. Any relationship will be tested under such a strain. It is not surprising that many couples find themselves feeling out of control, isolated, misunderstood, and angry (at least some of the time) at each other.

Unfortunately, these feelings may play out in each parent's relationship with the new baby. Without a sense of support, parents may find that they can’t keep up with the baby’s demands and they may even withdraw. Without careful attention to early cues, parents won’t pick up on what the baby is trying to tell them and the baby will escalate the cues or give confusing signals, further frustrating parents. Babies become increasingly stressed, cry more, are unable to maintain their moods or control their response to their environment, and the cycle continues. While this scenario is a bit extreme, something like this happens to many families, even if only once in awhile.

Taking Care of Number One (and Two)
So what can be done to prevent this cycle from starting in the first place? Preparation is an important way to keep “the couple” from imploding. Keep in mind that no matter what anyone else says, you both are likely dealing with the greatest stress in your lives. Neither of you will be at your best or as sensitive as you may have been to each others' needs for at least a few months. Setting up and taking advantage of a support group can have a huge effect on the biggest stressors (lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed, and social isolation). Friends and family can share the load, do the dishes, let you nap, let you go out together, reassure and nurture you. You can always “pay it forward” for other families or share your expertise in baby behavior to return the favors – favors that you should accept quickly and with gratitude! Parenting is not one of those things in life that should be done without support. One last piece of advice, talk to each other, right from the start. Don’t let anything fester. If you think you change more diapers, or get less sleep, forgive first, get the facts, and plan to work together to find solutions. Keeping peace between you will keep all 3 of you calmer and more secure and will help your baby grow and learn in a positive and nurturing environment.

Next time: And Baby Makes Three Part 2- Parents' Early Relationships: Chaos, Retreat, and Reorganization

References

Deave T, et al. Transition to parenthood: the needs of parents in pregnancy and early parenthood. BMC Preg Child 2008; 8:30.

Lutz KF, et al. Furthering the understanding of parent-child relationships: A nursing scholarship series. Part 2. Grasping the early parenting experience - the insider view. J Spec Pediatr Nurs 2009; 14: 262-283.

Gunnar MR, et al. Brain and behavior interface: stress and the developing brain. Inf Ment Health J 24: 195-211.

Let's Talk About Twins (Triplets, Quads, etc.) Part 2: Bonding with Multiples

My mom grew up as a twin and has shared fond memories (and the usual stories of sibling rivalry) with me as I grew up. Though my mom is a fraternal (not identical) twin, she has many similarities with her sister and shares a special closeness with her to this day. Growing up, each sister knew when the other one was in trouble or hurt. When my aunt married and left the house before my mom did, my mom’s heart broke over the separation. There is no doubt that twins and multiples share a special bond, and that this connection begins in the womb. In this post, we will talk about the unique bond between twins and multiples as well as the bond between caregivers and multiples. We’ll also share some ideas to help parents of multiples bond when their attention is divided among multiple babies.

The “Womb-Mate” Bond
After being “womb-mates” for approximately 9 months and coming into the world together, multiples have forged a strong attachment to each other. Several studies have shown that multiple’s have the ability to comfort each other. In one study, researchers observed the interaction of twins in utero. They found the twins’ movements and behaviors to be in synchrony 94.7% of the time! Ultrasounds have also shown that womb mates touch each others’ faces and even suck on each other’s hands in utero. When multiples are born, and leave the safe confines of the womb, they are sometimes separated. This separation can be stressful because they are so used to each other’s presence. Keeping twins or multiples close to each other after birth can also help regulate their breathing and heart rhythm. (Robin 1996)

Development of the Parent-Infant Bond in Families with Multiples
While multiples develop a distinct bond with each other, they also develop a special bond with their caregivers. For primary caregivers of multiples, this bond can be more challenging to develop simply because of the time and work it takes to care for multiple babies. External factors, such as each baby’s health status, can also affect the development of the mother-baby or caregiver-baby bond. Oftentimes multiples will come home from the hospital at different times based on their health and feeding status. This can be challenging for parents because they have a baby (or babies) at home to care for and a baby (or babies) at the hospital to visit and care for as well. Thus, it makes perfect sense that parents would forge a bond with each baby at a different pace. (Robin 1996) Be patient, the bond will form, it just may take longer than you planned it to.

Forming an individual bond with each of your multiples can be challenging. Before you can form individual bonds with each baby, you must recognize them as individual children. “Collective Mothering” occurs when a mom responds to the infants as a group rather than as individuals. In a study of mothers of multiples, researchers found that when mothers were fatigued they were less likely to provide individualized care for their babies. (Robin 1996)

Caring for Multiples
To cope with the overwhelming burden of caring for multiples, caregivers develop patterns or routines to curb the chaos. While we recognize that routines are important , this study showed that sleeping and feeding routines were carried out uniformly in 80% of the families by one year after birth, without consideration of the children's individual needs or patterns. (Robin 1996)

There are several ways for parents to individualize the care of their multiples and create a special bond with each baby. Here are some tips to do just that:

Allow yourself time with each baby one-on-one
After delivery, allow other close family members or friends to spend one-on-one time with each child. This will not only allow them to create a special bond with each baby, but it will allow you to spend time with each baby individually as well. (LaMar 2004)

Accept help from others
I know this is a common recommendation on our blog, but help is essential when caring for multiples. In one study, almost ¼ of mothers of twins refused help after their babies’ birth. (Robin 1996) Coping with different sleep, feeding and crying patterns in 2 or more infants can be overwhelming and exhaustion is common. We know sometimes it’s hard to ask for help, but keep in mind that levels of depression and fatigue are higher in caregivers of multiples. (Thorpe 1991) Developing a support network will be invaluable.

Watch for each baby’s individual cues
Recognizing and responding to each baby’s individual cues will help your babies feel safe and happy. Remember, babies get better at communicating their needs to caregivers when they get practice giving cues and having their caregivers respond appropriately. For more details about responding to infant cues, click here.

We hope this series on twins and multiples has been helpful to those of you out there parenting (or preparing to parent) these special little ones. For the rest of you, let us know what other topics would be useful to you in your own parenting journey!

Next Time: We’ll share a short series on easing the stress of separation from your baby.

References

Robin, M, Corroyer, D, Casati, I. Childcare Patterns of Mothers of Twins during the First Year. J. Child Psychol. Psychiat. 1996; 37(4): 453-460.

LaMar KL, and Taylor CR. Share and share alike: incidence of infection for cobedded preterm infants. Journal of Neonatal Nursing. 2004;10(6): 6–9.

Thorpe, K. Golding, J, MacGillivray, I. & Greenwood, R. (1991). Comparison of prevalence of depression in mothers of twins and mothers of singletons. British Medical Journal. 1991; 302: 875-878.