It Takes Two Baby: How Babies and Parents Learn about Each Other

Note to our readers: My astute daughter reminded me that I need to emphasize that we realize that parents are not the only caregivers of infants. For brevity, we will continue to refer to parents but we’d like to reassure all of our readers that we recognize that there are all kinds of families out there.

Last time, we shared ways that parents and other caregivers may make small changes in their activities and routines to help babies with different temperaments adapt to the world around them. Now, as promised, we’ll describe how different family members can build unique relationships with babies.

When parents truly believe that newborns only “eat, sleep, and poop,” it is easy to fall into patterns that lead mom to be in charge of one end of the baby (the feedings) and dad in charge of the other (diaper changes). That kind of arrangement can result in both parents becoming a little resentful. Now that you know so much more about your baby, you can see the value of other roles that adults play in babies’ lives. First and foremost, babies learn from adults. Every adult in a baby’s life teaches the baby something about his environment, feelings, thinking, or how to communicate.

Anyone who cares for breastfed babies knows that newborns will try to “latch on” to anyone and anything when they are hungry (even Dad) but soon, they learn that mom is the one they want when they are hungry. Babies learn to differentiate one adult from another by their faces, their smells, and the games they play. In turn, each caregiver learns about the baby, from cues, traits, and interactions. Babies’ relationships with moms are different from those with dads, grandparents, and siblings. Just as caregivers rely on numerous friends in their lives, babies thrive when they have many loving relationships.

While all of a baby’s caregivers need to address his basic needs (responding to cues, feeding, changing, etc.), each adult can develop his or her own special role in baby’s life. Here are some examples:

Mom – You aren’t just the “feeder.” Keep in mind that you are also your child’s primary teacher. Typically, you will spend the more time than other adults with your child. As you watch and respect your baby’s cues, provide stimulation, calm words, warmth and touch, you are teaching you baby that you will keep him safe while he learns about life. As important as your relationship is with your baby, it is important to let other family members develop their own roles in baby’s life.

Dads and partners – While you have a key role in supporting mom, especially during her recovery from childbirth, you provide important stimulation, variety, security and fun for the baby. Early on, while mom rests, you can play a key role by becoming the “translator” of the baby’s behavior. You can point out baby’s dreaming and cues and help regulate stimulation from visitors and siblings. When baby get’s older, you can help the baby safely explore (dads tend to have more tolerance for exploration) and provide higher level stimulation than mom is likely to provide. Just watch for disengagement cues so baby doesn’t get over stimulated!

Siblings – Babies love children and children have boundless energy. This makes for wonderful fun and stimulation for baby. Siblings do need to be taught about cues and the baby’s need for rest. Gentle supervised play can go a long way to help baby take an extra long nap!

Grandparents – While the world has changed and n ot all grandparents have extended periods of time to spend with their grandchildren, years of experience with their own children makes many grandparents calmly accepting of their grandchildren’s rhythms and needs. While parents have so many things going on in their lives, grandparents are often able to focus all of their attention on the baby. By bringing new stimulation, toys, faces, and voices to baby, grandparents can provide a lot of fun and learning with every visit.

Next time: The Two-way Mirror: How Parents' Influence Babies' World View

Babies with Personality! How Temperament Influences Babies' Relationships (Part 2)

In the last post, we described some of the traits that might be used to describe a baby’s temperament. Early on in babies’ lives, parents begin to notice their babies’ rhythms, reactions, and idiosyncrasies and how these characteristics combine to form their baby’s unique personality.

Developing relationships with babies can be confusing. There is no guarantee that our babies will be anything like we are, or our sister’s babies, or even our other children. You might be a highly social person who loves the excitement of travel and new experiences but you find your baby withdraws from relatives and cries or clings when brought into a new environment. Does that mean your traveling days are over and that you need to limit family visits? No! As with all relationships, the bond you have with your baby includes give and take, as well as ongoing compromise and acceptance. The most important thing you can do for your baby (and ultimately for yourself) is to understand your differences and be ready to help your baby fit into the lifestyle that works for you. When you understand and accept your baby’s traits, you can make appropriate modifications to your day-to-day activities that will keep you both happier.

You can help a shy baby by taking transitions a little slower, bringing familiar toys along with you when you go to new places, and being ready with calming repetitive words when the inevitable fussing starts. You can ask your relatives to give the baby a little time before they reach to hold him (this can be tough on grandma!).When you respond to your baby’s temperament with understanding and compassion, he learns that you will help him stay calm.

Here are some other ideas how you can take steps to help babies with different traits:

• An active baby will need lots of supervision and you’ll need to baby-proof your home when your baby is still very young
• A highly “regular” baby who thrives on routines will need to keep to a schedule as much as possible
• Intense babies who are not very adaptable will take longer than other babies to calm down so you’ll need to be patient while soothing your baby
• A baby who is not distractible won’t leave objects alone unless they are completely out of sight; it is best to look around carefully and put all of the worrisome things away

You can try to fight against your baby’s traits but you’ll find it to be a losing battle. Your baby isn’t trying to control you; your baby is just trying to get by with the tools he was born with.

If you find your baby is still a mystery to you, read over the descriptions of some of the traits from the last post. Imagine how the world looks from your baby’s perspective. Consider what changes in your activities and routines might make things easier for both of you. Again, you don’t have to transform your life completely, and some adjustments will be needed only until your baby is bit older. Many early baby traits will change, sometimes quite a bit. The little things you do each day to help your baby feel secure and safe will go a long way helping you build a loving bond. Even if your baby’s traits don’t change, the more secure your baby feels when he’s with you, the more readily he will learn to adapt to your world.

Next time: It Takes Two Baby: How Babies and Parents Learn about Each Other